I’m currently having a lot of relationship problems with my boyfriend. I should start by mentioning our age gap, I am 17 years old and he is 27. I know that seems large, and yes I realize I am underage, however I can promise you my boyfriend looks and acts like a 19-21 year old and he never takes advantage of the fact that I am younger than him. We also are currently long distance, he lives in the Netherlands and I live in the US so when we communicate it is mostly through skype. We’ve been seeing each other for about 11 months now.
My boyfriend has had quite a difficult past which I believe is a majority of the reasons why we experience so many issues within our relationship. His father was abusive physically, mentally, and sexually towards him and his mother. He father ended up passing away when he was about 9 years old but I have yet to figure out what of yet. His mother always has favored his sisters over him, and she was never very ”motherly” towards him. His family was poor, to the point where they would have to go without food. Now clearly this is a breeding ground for some serious psychological and mental health issues and I’ve tried to push him to reach out for professional help on many occasions which he has refused to do until very recently. He began therapy sessions about 2 months back and has probably been to about 8-10 sessions or so. Every time he comes back from a session he says he feels better, that he’s learning to cope with everything, however we always end up back in the exact same place with zero progress.
Now here is where my issues lay within this relationship. He’s currently been jobless for about 3 months now. He worked with some family members and due to financial issues he was laid off. He has no motivation to get up and get another job, so he’s living with his mother, and I am currently supporting him money wise. I cannot simply just stop supporting him because if I do then he will have no money for food, toiletries, therapy sessions, etc. This is seriously taking a toll on my bank account and has been for months now. On top of the fact that it’s quite bothersome that I spend 40 hours a week at work while he stays home and play videos games or walks his dog. Another thing is that he has major mood swings, and he really never opens up to me about what’s wrong or what he’s feeling. We are missing that communication aspect. I can clearly tell when he’s upset, however every time I ask he says nothing, or hell give some passive aggressive cryptic answer. The only times he really opens up to me is when he can see I’m about ready to end our relationship. He in a bad mood the majority of the time and the negativity really gets to me. He also in the process of having these mood swings takes out this negativity on me. He often falsely accuses me of cheating on him and lying to him without any rhyme or reason. If I stay late at work, pick up my phone to respond to a text, visit a friend in a different state then I must be cheating. This lack of trust is really bothering me because I don’t act like this towards him and I’ve given him no reason to believe I would go behind his back. I’ve tried talking to him about this but to no avail. On occasion during these fights he’s said some horrible things to me, called me horrible names, etc.
I have mentioned breaking up before, and it never goes well. He becomes very unstable and will self-harm over it. He’ll say things such as that no one loves him, everyone abandons him, he’s alone, etc. I’ve always ended up coming back very quickly after I’ve ended things because it’s not necessarily that I want to leave, it’s just that I don’t foresee things working out the way they are going. Seeing him hurt him and hurting in general makes me come back.
I love and care about my boyfriend, and of course we have our good times, but I’m really at a loss as to what do. I’ve tried talking to him multiple times, he’s going to therapy, and I just don’t know what to do.