I might not be on here as much anymore, but it’s ok… it’s partially because of time but mostly because things are actually working themselves out… When I signed on here I was so stressed that I had panic attacks on a fairly regular basis, sometimes multiple times a day. My roommates were pissing me off, treating me like it was my fault that their lives weren’t going as planned… blaming me for getting attention from guys… forcing me to cover their asses any time they ran out of money, & making me feel guilty when I bought even the smallest thing like food or a sketchbook for school for myself. I drove myself crazy chasing a guy who would give me attention and act like he wanted me then dissappear for weeks on end, only to come back, act the same way, but progressively drunker each time… honestly looking back some of the things he said to me should’ve been red flags, like I wouldn’t even be suprised if he turns in to some abusive psycho, but he was a distraction from all the other drama and I was addicted to the idea that I could escape with him. I wasn’t able to keep myself healthy for lack of money from my roommates leeching off of me & from lack of sleep worrying about every little detail in my life.
It’s about a half a year later and I no longer am under the cloud of negativity from the one roommate, and the other finally told me that she’s bothered by the depressive roommates antics as well. I don’t have to dread coming home from work for fear of being treated like I’m some sort of monster for being prettier/thinner/having a more stable job/being generally happier (I’m not even trying to talk myself up about the first 2… there was a huge argument in which she bitched me out for being the pretty one, as if I had any control over the fact that she refused to take care of herself) But they’re states away now, and the drunk idiot I was chasing is out of my life. In return, I gained a roommate who actually pays her keep, takes care of her pets, and doesn’t treat me like shit just for being a functional human being, and finally met a guy who I honestly think is gonna treat me well. I’ve already had the ”what if he’s lying to you like the last guy” argument in my mind so many times and, idk, I think this is real. Even when he couldn’t talk to me too much for fear of causing drama with my roommates, he still managed to contact me when I really needed someone to talk to that was distanced from my problems… even the really serious ones that sent me in to one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had. It’s kinda been like he’s been looking out for me since we met. & now that we finally got to see each other in person again for the first time in almost a year, idk, I just know things are gonna work out. I’ve always been afraid, even though I come from an amazing family, that I’d be the type to end up with a guy who barely treats me like a person, doesn’t understand my worries, tries to physically rush me. After talking to him I know he’s not like that. I actually feel safe around him. Even when I was chasing that other guy, in the back of my mind the whole time I kinda felt like it was a bad idea… I was scared to even bring up any concerns I had cause of what he might think. I don’t even remotely have that problem now. Just cause of who I am inherently as a person & cause rum was involved I couldn’t shut up and I kinda told him all my fears & basically why I am how I am and he actually gets it. Like I told him how the first guy who ever showed interest in me treated me, basically he dated me for like a week then told me he didn’t want to see me any more because I wasn’t experienced enough even though I wasn’t even legal… (honestly I think that’s why I’m so nervous around guys & why it took me so long to even take any of them seriously when they asked me out) and he thought it was just as fucked up as I did.
Haha I don’t even know why I’m posting all this but I can’t even stop smiling/happy crying cause I actually found a guy who’s understanding and is actually thinking about me being around for a while for once regardless of how long it takes me to feel comfortable enough to sleep with him or how anxious I get over stupid shit and idk its so stupid how happy that makes me. I didn’t even realize how ok everything was til this morning… I always plan things out on monday morning, usually financial things… well I worked those out and finally had enough money to pay everything.. so I started thinking about him, first in the worried/paranoid ”this isn’t real, he’s gonna hurt you eventually” way and its like the rest of my mind stopped and said ”really? where’s the proof? Why would he? Why would he bother practically being a freaking guardian angel for months on end knowing he can’t even see me or hear my voice for who even knows how long if he ws just trying to use me?” I think I killed my paranoid side hahaha, or at least locked it back up with normal fears like illness and car crashes rather than relationships & finances.
I just… I don’t even know how to deal with this, haha. I’ve never felt so much like I had nothing to worry about and its almost giving me a headache, like the mental version of when your phone reeeallly wants to find wifi but can’t so it kills the battery instead. But instead of a dead battery I just get random bursts of laughter and a total lack of poker face. I’m just so damn happy I don’t even know what to do haha, I mean I didn’t think this was possible. <3

So yeah, thank y'all so much for dealing with me during the past few months of crazy. I know I'm still gonna get nervous in the middle of every November like I always do and get moody and annoyed in the winter, I'll probably randomly panic because things are going to well and that means something bad must be around the corner, and I'm sure when I graduate & look for a new job the idea of a career change will make my head explode, but now I have a team of people to run to that's actually geographicaly close, and one who knows more about me than I think I've ever told anyone & actually likes my anxieties for how honest it makes me look… I think that's the cutest part of all… my worries and anxious quirks and excessive apologies aren't annoying to him… they're just honest.

I bet this is babbly as hell hahaha I'm sorry. Just ugh, the only thing that even is remotely annoying me right now is that he can't be with me right now, but hey he's the only person at all who makes sure to text me everyday, even if it's just to ask how my day was or show me a random picture. Hah oh man I really do need to stop babbling. Like I bet if I was saying this all in person half of this wouldn't even be sentences cause I'd just start giggling out of sheer happiness. But anyway thank y'all again, you've been really sweet & helpful while I was trying to sort out all my drama. I should sleep now though if I mean to go to the gym in the morning, esp since now that I found him all I want to do is improve myself for him, even though I know he doesn't need me to. I just want to.