uhh, warning for talk of death and suicide
jus tme venting

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Not only has this been a shitty week, I’ve been having a shitty time mentally for a while now and I’m so closed off in real life that I can’t tell people when I think about killing myself and I know i couldn’t do it because my grandma died three days ago and i cant do that to my family but i want to be selfish for once. i always give too much to other people and im such a pushover and i hate that but for once id like to do something for myself without feeling guilty about it i dont want to deal with this anymore. i thought for a bit i wasnt legit depressed because my counselor said i probably have situational depression because of school but i dont know. school isnt really..causing me so much stress that it makes me want to die. its not school, its me. im despicable, im a pushover, im too generous and i cant accept help, im such a hypocrite all the time and if i didn;t stop myself from doing it anyway id be really manipulative and i never stop talking even when people arent listening because i want attention but once i get it i reject the attention and. i just want to be done. i dont want to go to school because at school i get in trouble for doing what i enjoy. i cant finish this year oh god ap exams are coming up too quickly holy shit i dont want to test i dont want to do finals they dont prove anything, honestly, they just make me feel like i want to die because i always do badly on them and they just prove waht a failure i am and it sucks more than most anything else and on top of that i spent four hours at a funeral home instead of school today and im not sad because of my grandmother’s death, im sad because. i dont know why. and the only person who has shown me any sort of respect for my boundaries is my cousin like he recognizes immedeiatly whats wrong and i havent seen him in forever like my mom told me im not allowed to wear my binder every day even though i do and i dont think that when she says that, or when she makes me go dress shopping, or when she calls me her daughter that she understands that it only makes things worse. and i know she loves me but i f she wants the best for me, ive already figure out that pretending that these issues dont exist is an issue in itself and i wish she would stop because i already hate my body and she doesnt need to rub it in. i wish i could just. flip a switch. and be dead.