Amy Belle said 9 years, 1 month ago:

This is a long post, but I feel myself suffocating.
I feel like I’m going crazy, and I also feel like I’m making myself go super crazy over a boy that I have no chance with, just so I can forget about all my other problems.

I’m failing a class, and my teacher told my mom. Now I’m “grounded” aka I can’t have friends over and I feel like I’ll eventually become antisocial if this lasts long. Which it will. Because I suck at biology. This sounds so trivial, sorry.

My brother was going to be dropped off at his school yesterday, for his first day of community college. (He failed out of a state college.) But my mom came home with him and was like, “Yeah, wrong time, but I’m leaving at 5 to drop him off.” And I had to cheer at a game at 6, so I had to get dropped off at my school an hour early. I got ready and whatnot, but I came downstairs and my mom was like “Your brother might not be going to school anymore.” Which practically knocked the wind out of me because I know he’s struggling really hard with his depression and everything, but it just really hit me hard, ya know? Like he hasn’t been in school since last spring. And a half hour or so later, my mom is coming out of his room with tears in her eyes and goes to blow her nose in the bathroom. And I go into his room and my brother was crying and his eyes were bloodshot and he told me to get him tissues. And then my mom told me that he was still going to school and I’m so angry because I have no fucking idea what is going on and why is my family allowed to cry when I have to bottle everything in and why is my brother not telling me anything god damnit.

Then last night at the game, this guy that I used to like shows up and it made me mad because I was already hyped from what had happened with my family. But what really bothered me was how I reacted to him, you know? I still react as if I like him whenever he’s in my proximity, but I know I don’t like him. Does that make sense? I’ve been over him for months now. I was directly in front of him when I was cheering too, and I couldn’t even glance at him. Plus he was sitting with all my ex-boyfriend’s friends. So awkward.

National Eating Disorder Week is coming up. This confidential group for girls –with depression/ eating disorders/ anxiety/ family issues/ relationship issues– are putting up this huge collage dedicated to that week. It’s coming along well, but the advisor wants something on my school’s morning show that gets displayed every morning in every classroom, that showcases the collage and the severity of eating disorders and the importance of NEDW. Most of the girls are really into being in the video, but I’m not sure, ya know? Like everyone’s going to put all the clues together. “Wow, she was out of school for a month last year. She gets out of a class at least once a week. She helped with the collage. She is in a video on eating disorders. She has an eating disorder. There’s something wrong with her.” I don’t want to be the only one in the group that’s not in the video, but I also don’t want my classmates to know that side of me. Ugh.

There’s other stuff, obviously. But I’m just going to skip ahead to the guy that I’m practically forcing to distract me from everything else.

He’s just this guy that I’m not supposed to like. We started off as friends, we’ve known each other for years. We suddenly became really close for a solid five days. Then a week later, even though we stopped talking, I realized that I have feelings for him. And it’s been over a week since that epiphany and I still like him. I hate hate hate hate it. We don’t even talk anymore and it’s stupid because we went from talking until 2 in the morning to not even making eye contact in school. And I walk next to him or pass him in the hallway at least 3 to 4 times a day. He’s also completely different from all the guys I’ve liked before, which is weird. He also sits next to said-ex boyfriend in our English class.

If ANYONE has advice on ANY of these things, please reply. I probably made no sense and it was so long, but yeah.
Also, if you want to know the complete story between me and the guy I like (there is a lot more when it comes to him, trust me), then you can PM me.

Have a goodnight/day/evening/afternoon!
Stay lovely,
Amy

Healer said 9 years, 1 month ago:

Wow… That is a lot to take in.. I think you shouldnt worry about what people think about you.. if you enjoy doing something for a good cause then you do it.. who cares what people think if they are your true friends they will support you.. Maybe you should try venting to your mom and brother about your problems.. open up dont keep everything bottled in okay.. find a really close friend and tell them.. if you dont have any close friends then find someone that listen…. anybody.. I know this is hard to believe but it gets better okay… I promise you.. I am going through some boy problems right now.. and I honestly feel as if the wind has been knocked away from my lungs.. It truly feels like I just dont belong… But I am getting better.. slowly but I am getting there.. Take it easy okay…

rinseandrep said 9 years, 1 month ago:

Sorry for your brother, but he’s still young, if he has to take some more time off life because he’s not ready, it could be just a delay. But I hope he spends this time working on this, seeing someone about it.

That’s a bit of a pushy suggestion by your teacher, I think it’s fine if you are not convinced about it, and I guess you could tell privately the other girls so they know and give you their permission (just out of politeness, not that you need it).

I guess if you find comforting to think a lot about this guy, it’s how it will go, but be sure to put some effort in biology, be it tutoring, or some online course. Maybe the boy thing will evolve into something more workable.