I was hospitalized when my mother walked in on me self harming at the age of 13. It was probably around November. She thought it was a suicide attempt, but for me, it was just a coping mechanism. I was sent to a psychiatric facility, and this changed me for so long. They began me on anti-psychotics, mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and sleep aids. My diagnosis was Bipolar One, Anxiety, Insomnia, ADHD, and Schizophrenia. I finally turned 18 in August, and it took me until December…but I finally told my counselor how I felt about my diagnosis. She agreed that I’ve always had Borderline instead of Bipolar, and that all these years…she hated that they forced me on medication. Adding unnecessary chemicals to a balance that is already good…is not a very good thing to do. I couldn’t help but think that maybe all these years, the medication is what caused my instability and suicidal behaviors…along with untreated Borderline. I didn’t need medication. I needed therapy. I had an extremely traumatizing childhood, didn’t they think therapy was a better option to start with? Apparently not. So, I’ve tried to commit suicide at least 20 times. I’ve also been hospitalized 13 or 14 times. I’ve been on countless medications that have never worked. The only medications that have worked for me are Adderall and Haldol. (Adderall is used as a stimulant to relieve my depression and ADHD symptoms, and Haldol is an anti-psychotic for my Schizophrenia.)
I recently was diagnosed differently, now that I’m 18. I am Borderline, according to my counselor. Although, she doesn’t want to diagnose me until I do a lot of therapy first because she says if she absolutely has to diagnose me with Borderline; it can prevent a lot of things for my future. I also have PTSD, MDD, and she kept the diagnosis of ADHD and Schizophrenia.
I am only on two medications: Adderall and Haldol. (Their effects stated above..) These are the first ever medications to work with me, and I refuse to take anything else.
I can’t help but think that maybe my life would actually be decent if I was never put on medication. Maybe I wouldn’t be so hated. Maybe I wouldn’t have lost all my friends. I would be in better health, and I could have had such more amazing memories. And, a memory to begin with. It doesn’t help that I have to deal with my self esteem since two of the medications made me gain 80 pounds that I’ve never been able to lose, but I have to deal with wondering what I missed out on because of her.
I’m hoping the therapy works. I want at least some of my memory to come back. I want to know the answers to my questions about my past. I want to be able to feel like a normal human being..
I hope all goes well with me now..