I have been relatively self-harm free for a while now. I still dabble in a few bad habits here and there, but I am pretty okay right now. I have a lot of scars on my body and most of them are fading away now. I usually do not have any kind of urge of self harm again, but sometimes, when I look at my scars for too long, I feel a sense of desperation and panic because I don’t want them to go away. As morbid and crazy as it sounds, I like having my scars. They are no longer a source of shame for me.
I don’t want to self-harm anymore, but I don’t want my current scars to fade away. So what do I do?
A lot of people, especially men, find meaning in their scars and the events that led to them. I’ve even seen it argued that that’s why intentional scarification is part of so many tribal initiation rituals. I don’t have any of my self-harm scars left, but I know I still like to look at the scar on my arm from a bike crash, or the one on my hand from my first carpentry accident. Our scars are part of our life stories and sometimes come from events that helped create our identities. Maybe when your scars fade away altogether, they’ll leave a memory of how self-harm was part of you and isn’t anymore.
I feel this way to.. so often.. but something I have to keep reminding myself is that, not matter what, my scars are not who I am. They can fade and I will not. I have to remind myself that the light the get, the hard it is to find them, the strong i have been and the happier i can be.
I should not, and neither should you, rely on our scars to define who we are. We were onces people without them and so we can be again.
Do not let you scares define you, define them, and them move past them, forgetting them as a distance memory.
I find that all of my scars have a story behind them and it is a little sad that they are fading although I believe that because mine were so deep they probably won’t go completely away. I agree with Katherine, I’m finally able to wear shorts again without wondering does everyone see them?