T. Trems said 8 years, 4 months ago:

I

Don’t

Love

You

Anymore.

Five words. Heavy meaning, heavier heart.

Gasping for air, trying to grasp reality

But I

I was not done loving you.

Don’t go.

Don’t you see how broken I am?

Don’t you care?

Sobbing, mascara stains down to my jawline, eyes swollen.

Where’s my purpose?

Who do I talk to, who do I call, who cares?

If you did not, I certainly don’t.

Broken connections, losing touch, losing grip of my sanity

No one to turn to

Pen touches paper with no success, sleep does not come easy.

Sleep comes.

Night terrors.

You.

Your face.

You are holding me.

Why are you holding me?

You left me destroyed. This is not right.

Wake up, panicking.

Where are you?

Gone.

Repeat repeat repeat.

What is sleep?

What is motivation?

How can I get out of bed when I want to die?

You are everywhere.

Talk to me.

Sleep.

Sleep is an abstract concept when I see you all the time.

Wake up.

Chest so heavy

So dark.

Try to conform to society.

Get dressed.

These pants…

Are hard to button.

Dislike molds into self-loathing

A product of toxic love.

Days blend together.

Months go by.

You haunt me.

I haunt myself

Not letting go is more painful than cutting all ties

Maybe you will come back

Maybe you will realize you were wrong

Please.

The acceptable mourning time has passed.

It is time to move on

But

I

Cant.

I cannot let those nights go

I cannot let your eyes go

I cannot let the high I was on go

And yet I am at my lowest.

Rock bottom is as uncomfortable as it sounds.

The rocks are jagged

They take no prisoners.

No one is willing to go down to rock bottom to salvage what is left of you.

If you try to leave

The rocks get sharper.

They impale your hands

Your feet

Your soul.

You are a bloody heap

With no escape in sight.

Hello darkness, my old friend.

You embrace it.

No exercise.

Food

No food

Starve yourself

Binge eat

I swear these clothes fit last week.

You’re disgusting

Work out

Be a leader

Good grades

Friendships

Prom

College is coming.

Crippling anxiety.

Was it this bad before?

Shaking mess

Silent screams

No more tears

Emotions are for the weak.

Maybe I can try cutting just once.

Just on my thigh.

It seems to work for some people.

Why are you in my head?

It has been months

That have felt like years

Since we were happy together

Since everything was okay

Since these clothes weren’t so tight

Is it just an illusion?

When did my couch become my temple

My tv become my god

My food my sanctuary

When did I cease caring

About my friends

My phone

My choir

My cat.

Tell me what it’s like

To not feel the weight of a thousand suns

On your chest

Tell me what it’s like to feel okay

To laugh more than you cry

To look forward to opening your eyes in the morning

Tell me what it’s like to live

Not survive.

I am trapped in my own body.

I am trapped with my thoughts.

Can’t you hear me screaming?

Half a year.

Six months.

180 days.

4320 hours.

259200 minutes.

I wasted

Because of you

On dying

When I could have been living

But something strange happened

August

26

2015

I moved.

I moved 300 miles away.

I moved away

Away from suicide

Away from depression

So deep

There was no end in sight.

Away from anxiety so bad

I had nightly panic attacks.

I moved away from the darkness

I dragged myself from the rocks.

I took the climb.

My hands

My feet

My soul

Are tired.

They are still fighting rock bottom

Every

Goddamn

Day.

I still think of you

How you triggered

My stretch marks

My panic attacks

My scars

My nail marks

But also

My strength

My disconnect

My appreciation

When I wake up

Next to blue eyes every morning

When I smile

When I am embraced

When I cry

Not because I want to forget how to live

But because I forgot what it was like to be loved.