T. Trems said 8 years, 4 months ago:
I
Don’t
Love
You
Anymore.
Five words. Heavy meaning, heavier heart.
Gasping for air, trying to grasp reality
But I
I was not done loving you.
Don’t go.
Don’t you see how broken I am?
Don’t you care?
Sobbing, mascara stains down to my jawline, eyes swollen.
Where’s my purpose?
Who do I talk to, who do I call, who cares?
If you did not, I certainly don’t.
Broken connections, losing touch, losing grip of my sanity
No one to turn to
Pen touches paper with no success, sleep does not come easy.
Sleep comes.
Night terrors.
You.
Your face.
You are holding me.
Why are you holding me?
You left me destroyed. This is not right.
Wake up, panicking.
Where are you?
Gone.
Repeat repeat repeat.
What is sleep?
What is motivation?
How can I get out of bed when I want to die?
You are everywhere.
Talk to me.
Sleep.
Sleep is an abstract concept when I see you all the time.
Wake up.
Chest so heavy
So dark.
Try to conform to society.
Get dressed.
These pants…
Are hard to button.
Dislike molds into self-loathing
A product of toxic love.
Days blend together.
Months go by.
You haunt me.
I haunt myself
Not letting go is more painful than cutting all ties
Maybe you will come back
Maybe you will realize you were wrong
Please.
The acceptable mourning time has passed.
It is time to move on
But
I
Cant.
I cannot let those nights go
I cannot let your eyes go
I cannot let the high I was on go
And yet I am at my lowest.
Rock bottom is as uncomfortable as it sounds.
The rocks are jagged
They take no prisoners.
No one is willing to go down to rock bottom to salvage what is left of you.
If you try to leave
The rocks get sharper.
They impale your hands
Your feet
Your soul.
You are a bloody heap
With no escape in sight.
Hello darkness, my old friend.
You embrace it.
No exercise.
Food
No food
Starve yourself
Binge eat
I swear these clothes fit last week.
You’re disgusting
Work out
Be a leader
Good grades
Friendships
Prom
College is coming.
Crippling anxiety.
Was it this bad before?
Shaking mess
Silent screams
No more tears
Emotions are for the weak.
Maybe I can try cutting just once.
Just on my thigh.
It seems to work for some people.
Why are you in my head?
It has been months
That have felt like years
Since we were happy together
Since everything was okay
Since these clothes weren’t so tight
Is it just an illusion?
When did my couch become my temple
My tv become my god
My food my sanctuary
When did I cease caring
About my friends
My phone
My choir
My cat.
Tell me what it’s like
To not feel the weight of a thousand suns
On your chest
Tell me what it’s like to feel okay
To laugh more than you cry
To look forward to opening your eyes in the morning
Tell me what it’s like to live
Not survive.
I am trapped in my own body.
I am trapped with my thoughts.
Can’t you hear me screaming?
Half a year.
Six months.
180 days.
4320 hours.
259200 minutes.
I wasted
Because of you
On dying
When I could have been living
But something strange happened
August
26
2015
I moved.
I moved 300 miles away.
I moved away
Away from suicide
Away from depression
So deep
There was no end in sight.
Away from anxiety so bad
I had nightly panic attacks.
I moved away from the darkness
I dragged myself from the rocks.
I took the climb.
My hands
My feet
My soul
Are tired.
They are still fighting rock bottom
Every
Goddamn
Day.
I still think of you
How you triggered
My stretch marks
My panic attacks
My scars
My nail marks
But also
My strength
My disconnect
My appreciation
When I wake up
Next to blue eyes every morning
When I smile
When I am embraced
When I cry
Not because I want to forget how to live
But because I forgot what it was like to be loved.
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