FallenHearts said 10 years, 4 months ago:

Hey, my name is Bailey. Recently, a conversation made me remember the past and realize that I had abandonment and commitment issues. I get scared in relationships, whether they are serious or not. I even stopped talking to one of my best friends because I realized that I may have liked him at the time.

Growing up, I had friends on and off. I had the period of being popular, then I became an outcast, then popular and moderate; but now I feel, even when I hang out at school with some ‘friends’, I know I cannot really consider them as friends.

Every day, for about a decade, I’ve spent my time locked inside my room without conversation. I don’t hang out with friends outside of school because I know I liked solitude. Even if I gone through four days of not talking to anybody, (summers or breaks), I feel fine with being alone in the comfort of my room. Though, four days were probably dangerous because I barely eat if I am stuck in my room alone, (cannot cook and is indecisive about food).

I do feel lonely in this environment; the need to connect with another person, but I can’t. I don’t understand most conversations with others, and I find it hard to keep up with them, (delayed reactions). Being with people emotionally scares me, and physically I’ll hesitate, sometimes.

Is this by choice? That I choose to be alone, even with friends I know I can be with? Though, they would be cast aside just like they others I had. I like the solitude, but I give myself too much. Should I try to talk to ex-friends? Or my ex-best friend I abandoned or… a friend I liked that I had dated for a few hours, but hurt because I was too embarrassed?
Or should I accept it and find a new way to not be lonely? A friend-a real friend would be nice.

YouBeTheAnchorIllBeTheWings said 10 years, 4 months ago:

I think I can relate to both of you a little bit. Other than school, I don’t get much interaction with anyone but my family. My “friends” at school, are not really my friends.. just people who tolerate me (at least that’s how I feel about it). I’ll never invite anyone to do anything with me because It makes me nervous. I ask myself questions like “what if it becomes awkward?” “what if we don’t end up having a good time?”. Most of the time outings with my ‘friends’ just end up reminding me of the total catastrophe I call my social skills. A lot of the time I also feel like I’m some sort of burden,like I am an annoyance. I let myself believe that being lonely in the comfort of my room is a lot easier and therefore better than pushing myself to build relationships with people. I think for me, I am definitely lonely by choice. I need to be more proactive in my social life, in all honesty I’m tired of being so afraid and anxious. I swear I just had an epiphany lol I didn’t really know where I was going with this post, but starting tomorrow..some things need to start changing.