TheMatter said 9 years, 3 months ago:

See, I find sex to be highly important/significant, emotionally and whatnot, and though I’m an atheist I suppose you could say I almost hold it at a sacred level of importance. Anything from kissing to touching to sex I think should only be done with someone you love. That’s been my opinion since forever, which is why I had a huge issue with some of the things she did in our relationship and had done before it. I don’t like the idea of having sex with someone who’s had sex before, and I don’t like the fact that if I am to have sex with someone else then that’s a double standard since I want them to accept my past but have trouble accepting theirs (if they have done it before). I figure at some point I’m gonna have to come to terms with the idea of those things. I just don’t like the idea that doing them will feel morally wrong to me. I want to fix them before they’re tested.
I mean, at some point I’ll inevitably have sex again.

I find that the most defining part of a romantic/sexual relationship is intimacy. It can exist otherwise but I imagine and hear it outside a relationship to always feel fake and manufactured.Maybe that’s not always the case, but reguardless, when it comes down to it, intimacy is the defining part of a sexual relationship, in my opinion. And can you think of anything more intimate than sex? I mean, regardless of method or position, it’s the most exposing and accepting action we can take. Open, pure nakedness and alowing people to explore our bodies.

See, the difficulty for me is that I’ve let someone explore me and know every part of me. (I won’t go into detail). I know how that feels. I also know that if I were to explore another person and be their second, I’d feel like it was impure.Like because I wasn’t the only one to know this body and mind, I’m not unique or special, perhaps even to that person, and even that my partner’s previous partners are still part of the relationship or are more intimate with her than I am. I can’t shake the feeling that I’d not be the only person that my partner is intimate with in that scenario, and would feel strange and unsettled knowing that someone else had known the things I was exploring before. To me it’d feel as though there were a third person in the relationship that symbolized all of their past partners, or that they were all still in that relationship, touching and kissing and loving my partner.

I’d love some help here because this is a big belief of mine and I need to come to terms with these things.
I’m not here to question my beliefs on whether or not intimacy, polarity and vulnerability are all things that are involved to the significance that I hold them to; this is a conversation about intimacy and how to deal with the situation I describe. I’m just trying to find a new belief and a new opinion, so I can come to terms with who I am.