Unfortunately it seems for me, I’m in love with a lesbian.
Not just any lesbian, but one who also isn’t always understanding and kind towards me, which makes it hard to not also hate her on occasion
It happened a long time ago and though it goes from being all I think about and the key to everything to being something I disregard and don’t pay any heed towards, It’s there and has been for years and never goes away even when I love someone else.
We both have memory issues of a sort (She can’t remember much before she was 11 and I can’t really remember too much from before I was 13 and even less before I was about 10, mostly I think because I disregarded things as insignificant or didn’t allow their significance to influence me until the last three or four years of my life. Most of the rest of it was just the day to day grind of an unpopular youth.
This is relevant because she seemed to have ‘forgotten’ my confessing my feelings to her a couple years back.
Either way, she has no interest in me and never really has and probably never will and I still can’t shake my interest in her. Whenever she’s around my brain switches to some sort of state where I just exist to learn about her and be around her and can’t think about anything else, where everything I do is based around her.
I figure since I can’t win here I just want to lose as soon as possible – how do I shake this off?I’m sure as hell not talking to her about it again, too, by the way, since that’d cause havoc between us now.
Please don’t be condescending or harsh towards me, I know I’m not being played and know that I’m stupid for feeling this way about her for so long and don’t need to be told as such, and thanks for any help and advice as to how to handle this.