Em said 9 years, 3 months ago:
I am in a budding relationship. He makes me laugh, remembers things I said in some of our first conversations, and is a true gentleman. The only problem is I’m 17… and he’s 21.
I am going to start off by saying neither of us were expecting this. We met at work (he no longer works there), and we bonded over an endless string of common interests and witty banter. It was almost impossible not to have a crush on him. Turns out, he felt the same way. We both felt uneasy about it at first, like stepping through a mine field. Nonetheless, we still took the chances.
My parents were in complete disapproval at first, but they soon loosened up and let me see him, with a few rules. The rules were simple, and not unreasonable: We cannot hang out every week. Nothing serious until after I graduate. No sneaking around. I agreed to these rules, and I have been completely open with them from that point forward.
We’ve been out on a few dates, nothing more than lunch and a movie. We chat about movies and video games, which TV shows we recommend, and whatever funny thing his cat did that day. We tested the waters, and now we’re on the verge of taking the plunge. So, it was time to get serious. He and I talked about our expectations (Was this more than just friends? Are our feelings the same? Etc.) and how fast we wanted to go. I told him that because I was underage, that I did not want to move fast and that we should wait to move into anything serious. He understood this, and he agrees.
There are many problems with this age difference. One that seems to be straining us right now is the opinions of others. My friends have told me that they see nothing wrong because he makes me feel comfortable and he doesn’t pressure me into anything. His friends, however, have been giving him a hard time, but he says that it doesn’t bother him. I just hope that he listens to their concerns and addresses them maturely. With these differing levels of support, I wonder how we will be affected. Another one is the fact that I am under 18. This is obviously a huge concern for not only both of us, but also the people around us. This is why we are taking things slow and remaining at the speed we are currently at (going on dates every once in a while) until the circumstances change.
The relationship is relatively new, and nothing has been made “official” yet. We continue to talk openly about our lives and how we are at separate times in our lives (I’m going to be starting college, while he has already been in it. I am just beginning to become independent, while he has been independent for a long time.). Both of us have thought long and hard about our age difference, even before we begun to see each other. But since the relationship has barely even begun, we have not seen any effects of our separate ages.
Recently, I have been told that older men who date teenage girls are “abusive and predatory”. While this is absolutely true for some cases, I am not sure if it applies to mine. There has been no pressure to do anything I am not comfortable with, no putting blame on my age, no pulling me further from my friends and family. I am fully aware that abusive relationships do not normally start out abusive, which is why I am giving myself sufficient space to back out if I see any red flags. There is also the question of “What does a 21 year old want with a 17 year old?” I have asked myself this question many times, but so far, he has never given me a reason to doubt his intentions.
I am here to ask for opinions and advice. Am I handling this correctly? Is there anything we can do to make this work? Should I even try to make this work? Am I not seeing everything? I want to evaluate this before moving too far forward because I feel like that is the logical thing to do.
Feel free to message me if you would like.
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