Jhessick said 1 year, 5 months ago:

Hey everybody. This past weekend I had a falling out with my gf. It wasn’t a long term thing but she had moved in with me and we had been spending almost every free moment together.

I am now sitting here knowing logically it wasn’t my fault for the falling out because unavoidable stuff came on her end, but I keep going over and over every single thing, seeing how I could have done the most minute things differently and blaming myself for it, and then recently my emotions got the better of me and I sent her a text asking her if we could talk because I missed her and am devastated by everything.

I guess my question is – how the heck do I get my emotions under control by breaking the cycle of constantly looking for things I could have done differently, and how do I think logically before making a decision about what to do?

SigmaSuccour said 1 year, 5 months ago:

//seeing how I could have done the most minute things differently and blaming myself for it, // @jhessick
> Your brain is focusing on having you think about these things, not so that you could change your past. But so you could change your future.
If you don’t learn from your mistakes, then you are going to repeat them again in your future relationship.
So keep focusing until your brains runs out of information to give you on this topic.
// and how do I think logically before making a decision about what to do?//
> Lets say there is a 400 gram cardboard box lying in front of you, in a garden. If i ask you to move it. Would you be able to?
So its simple… you would solve this problem in your head, by applying newton’s laws. You would think “the box is light enough, i would be able to move it, I would apply force on it, and it would move. If it would move, i would achieve my objective.” and then you would say “yes! i can move it.”
So what happened here is, you knew how force, movement and displacement works, hence you were able to predict what ‘reaction’ you will get when you apply an ‘action’ to the box. Due to which you (with just thinking) came to a result/consequence.
We choose those decision, which will consequence in making us more happier right? The question is, which decision, will result in the best consequence?
The fact that other choices and decisions will lead to a more miserable and less happier lifestyle, is a reason enough for you to avoid them.
When making a decision about a certain thing, you need to know how that thing works, what laws/theories apply to it. According to those laws/theories, what reaction/consequences will you get when you perform certain actions to them.
A person who is well educated in the field of psychology, can control the outcome of his interactions with people, because he knows how ‘people’ function.
A well educated doctor can make better decision in a heart surgery, regarding what places to cut and what to avoid.
If you don’t know, or aren’t knowledgeable (about the thing you are getting into) enough to be able to predict the outcome of it. you won’t be able to make positive and proper decisions.
If you want to make proper business related decisions, you have to gain knowledge with respect to businesses and how they work and how they prosper and why some fail while others flourish.
If you want to make proper relationship or ‘social’ related decision (which seems to be the focus of the post) then you have to gain knowledge on human psychology. How to interact with people, how they think, why they think the way they do. How can you best communicate with them and so forth.
once you have the know how. You would become able to ‘predict’ the ‘reaction’/consequence of your actions.
You would be able to predict “if i do this, this is how he/she will react.”,
“if i do that, he/she will react in a more understanding way.”
“the second choice will result in a better consequence, so i will choose that!.”
So to make logical decisions, you need to educate (gain knowledge) in that field, and then you would be able to predict the consequences of your decisions, and then you can make your choice, based on the result you want to get. Makes sense?

mariko said 1 year, 5 months ago:

@jhessick First realise it isn’t your fault. We’re talking about people, and god people are complicated. One minute things can be great and in another minute the person can change its mind. The fact your gf didn’t want to continue the relationship does not mean imediatly its your fault, not at all.
I can see why you blame yourself though. When we truly love someone we tend to do that. But realise that it was her choise, let her go. And you have your own path, your own soulmate to find. While you cling to the pain,the past, the “what if’s”, you won’t grow as a person. When you realise this is part of what we call “life” ,you’ll realise this experience made you learn and know yourself better, so you can move on and be better.
I know all of this sounds quite cliche but trust me, it’s the truth. However if you still feel like venting about this feel free to text me, I’m all ears.
I wish you all the best

Orchid Malevolence said 1 year, 5 months ago:

@jhessick Do you have anybody you know who can help distract you from these thoughts? Sometimes trying new things, taking up new hobbies, can help. It’s a figurative and literal way of moving on with your life.

You can’t control the actions of other people, and chances are that if it didn’t work out for this reason then likely there would’ve been another reason down the road too. I don’t know the reason, so I won’t push forward the validity of that statement, but in my personal experience that’s what I’ve found. We can get so caught up in fixing immediate, minute situations that we forget to look at the big picture and realize that the propogation of such issues won’t stop.

I don’t think anyone truly understands their actions and the overarching meaning of their actions until many years after the fact. That’s why, in many cases, people recounting their lives may better see certain events through multiple perspectives. Sometimes even using terminology such as, “it was bound to happen,” because they now understand where it has taken them in life and can process the situation on a different level.

Your question is difficult to answer because being told the answer and incorporating the answer are two very different things. Sometimes tackling things logically isn’t possible, for a time, because your emotions are so strong. In those times, an outside opinion whom you trust may be able to help you. However, that doesn’t mean do what other people say. That can hurt you too because you’re not taking into account your own emotions. None of us can tell you what you need to do, none of us know the right answer, but understanding as many sides to a problem as possible can help you better assess a situation.

Life is like a labyrinth. Someone who looks from above the labyrinth and can see every corner of the maze would be very impressed by its complexity or brilliance. Someone who is inside the labyrinth, working their way through the maze, would be confused and scared and concerned about judging things the right way. The labyrinth isn’t different, the puzzle is the same, but the two viewpoints make all the difference.