Why So Jealous?

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Me and my boyfriend have been dating for 1 year and 10 months. Our relationship is a long story. Let’s (try to) make things short. Me and my boyfriend fight a lot. But what’s a relationship without fighting? Anyways, besides that point, he’s ALWAYS told me that I’m the most beautiful woman in the world and he finds no other girl attractive except for me. Every time he’d say something like that, I told him that’s impossible. It’s not true. It can’t be true, because I even find guys other than him attractive (mostly celebrities). He hated that I found other guys attractive, but that doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving him. I guess you can say we’ve gotten into so many arguments about me finding other people “cute” that he’s tried convincing me that I’m the only one he finds beautiful. Well, last night he finally admitted to me, he thought an actress was attractive. It was a shocker. I was like, “really? did you just admit that to me? after all these months you finally want to tell me another girl is attractive???” I’m an idiot. I told myself all the time, “I know he finds other girls attractive..it’s not just me” but after hearing what he said last night…. I guess you can say I believed that I was the only girl he thought was beautiful. I guess you can also say, I’m more hurt he would deny that other girls weren’t attractive for so many months and that last night he finally wants to admit it. I was so angry at him, but It’s stupid of me to get mad, the woman he’s attracted to is an actress. Then again, how many other girls are there that he finds attractive??? I have no idea. I’m going crazy. Jealous Crazy. I don’t know what to do.. He doesn’t know that I’m upset…. Please help me…

Category: Tags: asked December 17, 2013

5 Answers

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First of all, I think your boyfriend was just saying that to build you up. There's nothing wrong with that, but he made the mistake of over-exaggerating his claim. From what you described it sounds like you had a hard time accepting his compliment which sounds like maybe you're a little insecure in your appearance, which is totally normal, and maybe THAT is why you felt so hurt to find out that he really was attracted to another woman. I think it might have been a big blow to his ego when he's putting so much effort into building you up, and you're response is tell him that you know you're not the most beautiful woman in the world because he's not the most beautiful guy in the world. I think his way of defending himself was to even the playing field by acknowledging that you're not the most beautiful woman in the world either.
I think you have every right to be upset, but I think the real issue is that you need to accept your beauty, learn to appreciate it and accept compliments gracefully. Never mind if you don't agree with the compliment, or if you don't feel beautiful at the moment. If someone like your boyfriend is telling you you're beautiful, it's because he's showing you affection, if you respond by discrediting his remarks, it could give him the impression that you won't take other things he says seriously. If you can't accept a statement like "you're beautiful" how are you going to accept a statement like "I love you"? There's nothing wrong with your relationship, maybe just some miscommunication. Clearly you both think each other is attractive, I think you need to talk to your boyfriend and acknowledge that you have a hard time accepting those comments because of, whatever the reason. You need to be open with him about exactly what you feel about this situation and about him. It's okay to acknowledge that there are other attractive people in the world, but it's something that you shouldn't throw in each other's faces all the time. There are other criteria for real "attractiveness" that has nothing to do with looks, so there's no need for either of you to feel threatened by beauty. Of course it can be hard to get past things like that especially when you've both had a hard time with this subject. You should really discuss this with your boyfriend. Talk about how he's made you feel, tell him why it made you feel that way, ask him if you've ever caused the same feelings in him, and maybe just discuss what are some acceptable boundaries for discussing the appearance of other people. Hope this helps, good luck!
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V
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It's good you get to empathize with how he feels.
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At this point you need to realize that you both have attractions but you both won't do anything. He obviously see's you as the most beautiful girl to him but just because he says an actress is cute does not mean anything at all. It's not like he is going to get with the actress! Just talk about it sensibly. You guys seem like you will be okay.
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It's reasonable to be hurt by it. He lied, he kept saying something over and over, even if it's something small continual build can hurt when it's just torn away like that. It's not a big thing that he finds another human being attractive, and I think you know that. But he lied over and over again, and you associate your feelings about that with this.
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I feel like him telling you that he finds this one celebrity attractive is his way of being passive aggressive because he still can't stand that you find other guys attractive. He also never said he finds her more attractive than you (even if he wasn't lying about it). I feel like it is a bluff. I don't see any other reason why he would keep it from you all this time if he knew that you felt the same way. It doesn't make sense. I think it's perfectly fine for him to get jealous over those things since he personally only has eyes for you. It makes sense that he would expect the same from the girl he is with. Everyone has different standards. However, if this is a deal breaker for him, he needs to either accept you are that way and leave it alone or break it off instead of becoming bitter over it.