There are a select few that I cannot imagine life without. But that number is a single digit that I can count with just two fingers. When I was little, I would get upset when my friends were, and I remember, being worried to tears for my friend, and doing everything I could for them. Now? Not so much. Is that normal? It bothers me, a little, when someone is upset, and most of the time I end up feeling guilty for not caring more, but I just can’t find it within myself to give a damn, you know? Most of the time when my friends rant to me about their lives I’m busy thinking about my own feelings, my life, my own problems. (Sometimes what I feel and think is overwhelming, and I want to stop but I can’t help it.) Asking them how they feel — it’s almost obligatory. I’ll feel bad if I don’t. I mean, of course I want them to be happy, I want everyone to be happy, but to care so deeply that I would give anything for them? I can’t do that. I can’t imagine taking a bullet for anyone, or sacrificing anything for them (safe for the small group I know for sure I wholly and utterly love). But I don’t want to be that kind of person, I don’t want to be selfish, I want to care for other people, to willingly wish I could take their pain away so they’d be happy. These days I seem to get more annoyed than anything, and if I am to be honest, that scares me. I want to care, but I don’t think I do. There are people who have been there for me, who I think, to some extent, care about me, but I can’t reciprocate that fully. Why is it so hard? Is there something wrong with me? How do I go about to genuinely care about someone other than myself?
