Why do I feel so worthless again?

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Tl;dr at bottom

Most of my life, I’ve degraded myself. I’ve thought that I was useless. Nobody talked to me, I had very few friends, I was excluded a lot, bullied, mocked, etc. High school started, and I was a whole new person. It was fake, but it was new. I was nice. I was funny. People liked me.

So I started trying to make other people happy too. I played therapist, listener, etc. I was good at it, I thought. Everyone I tried to help seemed to help. Recently I’ve been proven wrong.

I found out my girlfriend still cries herself to sleep sometimes, because of something I thought I’d been able to push away. My best friend from a while ago started cutting and abusing pain killers. And I can’t help. I don’t know how.

My question is, this was how it was before, so why does it hurt so much more now? Why do I need to internalize to avoid a breakdown? I’m filling myself with hatred, I keep getting hurt, intentionally or accidentally, but both are pretty okay at this point. More importantly, how do I stop feeling like this? This is new to me, I bottled up my emotions all my life.

Tl;dr: I thought I was good at helping people, turns out I’m not, it didn’t hurt before, why does it hurt now? How do I stop the pain?

Thanks or no thanks, doesn’t matter. As long as you read it, yaknow?

Category: asked July 24, 2014

2 Answers

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Hey hun, it's going to be alright. Just because you can't find the words to help others, does not mean that your worth as a human being is less. It's a lot harder helping people who are so close to your heart. I don't know much about your situation but the very best thing you can do for your girlfriend and best friend is to be there for them. Listen to them. Be the shoulder that they can cry on. It's hard being strong sometimes, but being strong for them can slowly help you see that you are strong. You've held on until now, so keep doing it. Keep doing what you do now and you'll get there. You will. But for yourself, I suggest keeping a journal or diary, could be online, could be a physical book. Now every single day, you write however much you want. Just write down what you're feeling. Write down a funny joke you heard. Draw a little picture of the best part of your day. Fill it with as much positiveness as you can. There will be days where storm clouds and thunder will dominate the pages. There always will be. But this is the best kind of self-help I've found to be useful. In a year, you'll flip through the pages, and you'll see how far you've come. In a year, I hope you'll feel better about yourself, even if its just a little. Change, whether positive or negative, is gradual. Everything takes time. So build up your book of sunshine and everything bright. Slowly, you'll start to see sunshine, not just in your journal, but all around you. I sincerely wish you all the best!
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It's going to be okay. You can't help them all. Especially if they don't seek help themselves. encourage them to look for help. The two closest people in your life are in big trouble and the only thing you can do is support them and please encourage them to find help. Sometimes people don't even want any advice. all they sometimes want is someone to listen and be given a hug. You'd be surprised at how much something so simple can help (: