Tl;dr at bottom
Most of my life, I’ve degraded myself. I’ve thought that I was useless. Nobody talked to me, I had very few friends, I was excluded a lot, bullied, mocked, etc. High school started, and I was a whole new person. It was fake, but it was new. I was nice. I was funny. People liked me.
So I started trying to make other people happy too. I played therapist, listener, etc. I was good at it, I thought. Everyone I tried to help seemed to help. Recently I’ve been proven wrong.
I found out my girlfriend still cries herself to sleep sometimes, because of something I thought I’d been able to push away. My best friend from a while ago started cutting and abusing pain killers. And I can’t help. I don’t know how.
My question is, this was how it was before, so why does it hurt so much more now? Why do I need to internalize to avoid a breakdown? I’m filling myself with hatred, I keep getting hurt, intentionally or accidentally, but both are pretty okay at this point. More importantly, how do I stop feeling like this? This is new to me, I bottled up my emotions all my life.
Tl;dr: I thought I was good at helping people, turns out I’m not, it didn’t hurt before, why does it hurt now? How do I stop the pain?
Thanks or no thanks, doesn’t matter. As long as you read it, yaknow?