I’ve been told I need to live for myself. To do things for myself, to make myself happy and live life like it’s here just for me, and when I do that, someone else who can make me happy will just appear. But I can’t do this.
I don’t know what I really want. Truth is shown through action yet all I can conjure is inaction. I sit at my desk all day, all night, aimlessly browsing the Internet, wondering what to do, what I want. I get an idea, I try to engage and, then it dies off. The will to do that idea suddenly vanishes and I can’t do it. I get a really big urge to put in a video game but once the Xbox is on and I’m holding the controller ready to press run, I stop. I suddenly don’t want to start. I turn the console off and return to my aimless browsing.
I don’t know what I want for myself anymore, yet at the same time, there’s plenty. I want my old life back. I want the happiness I used to feel, the happiness that came so naturally. The one single girl I could see my whole world in. I want my past to be my present again. But it can’t be. I can’t have what’s gone and many other things I actually want are out of reach. And the things that are within my reach, I don’t have the will, desire to have them. You could tell me to do this or do that and I’ll just come up with limitless reasons (excuses) against you. They say “Do or Do Not, there is no Try.” That’s bullshit for me. My entire life is nothing but trying but never being good enough to do.
I want friends, but I push them away. I want love but I feel only hate. I want companionship but no one will be with me. I want to be important but all I feel is worthlessness. I want to be kind but all I do is hurt. What in Hell do I want?
Reading this post though, it sounds like you're depressed, especially getting an urge to play a game and then just turning it off. (That sounds almost criminal to me. Once I start up a game I can be stuck playing it for hours. xD) I do feel like I know where you're coming from though--instead of surfing, I play games...and it's mainly to distract myself from feeling bad. ;) If I have a bad day, the first thing I would want to do is pick up a game and play for a few mindless hours--and that's what it sounds like you're doing while you surf--trying to distract yourself. (What *do* you do when you surf? You say aimlessly, but that 'aimless' surfing is comprised of hundreds upon hundreds of decisions on where to click next. Do you read articles? Do you watch Youtube? I doubt you're just staring at a blank screen. ;) I can get stuck in a Youtube "loop" if I'm not careful so I try to limit my viewing, or watch stuff where I can learn something new--and not stuff like how many subscribers Pewdiepie has now...I mean like real stuff, like what the word onomatopoeia means and where it originated. ;) Learning new things can make you feel useful).
As for the girl, I feel ill-equipped to advise you on that. I've never been in a romantic relationship before but it sounds like she's moved on, correct? In which case...you need to move on too. You're not doing yourself any favors living this way. And...something I learned from my 'educational sabbatical'...*you* are in charge of your own happiness. No one else. It sounds like you need to learn how to be happy on your own again and it may take a while, but it's okay--there's no hurry. I do think it would be to your benefit to get away from your computer and do other things though...perhaps other things you used to enjoy? Like hobbies, interests, etc? It sounds like the 'aimless browsing' is contributing to your listlessness. Surfing online and absorbing all of this information can make you feel really disconnected from yourself if that makes any sense and I think it'd be a good idea if you got away from your computer for a while...even just a day and see how you feel. And don't place so much pressure on yourself by trying to figure out what you want right this second...just learn to enjoy life again--while single--and work from there.