Why can’t I know what I want?

1

I’ve been told I need to live for myself. To do things for myself, to make myself happy and live life like it’s here just for me, and when I do that, someone else who can make me happy will just appear. But I can’t do this.

I don’t know what I really want. Truth is shown through action yet all I can conjure is inaction. I sit at my desk all day, all night, aimlessly browsing the Internet, wondering what to do, what I want. I get an idea, I try to engage and, then it dies off. The will to do that idea suddenly vanishes and I can’t do it. I get a really big urge to put in a video game but once the Xbox is on and I’m holding the controller ready to press run, I stop. I suddenly don’t want to start. I turn the console off and return to my aimless browsing.

I don’t know what I want for myself anymore, yet at the same time, there’s plenty. I want my old life back. I want the happiness I used to feel, the happiness that came so naturally. The one single girl I could see my whole world in. I want my past to be my present again. But it can’t be. I can’t have what’s gone and many other things I actually want are out of reach. And the things that are within my reach, I don’t have the will, desire to have them. You could tell me to do this or do that and I’ll just come up with limitless reasons (excuses) against you. They say “Do or Do Not, there is no Try.” That’s bullshit for me. My entire life is nothing but trying but never being good enough to do.

I want friends, but I push them away. I want love but I feel only hate. I want companionship but no one will be with me. I want to be important but all I feel is worthlessness. I want to be kind but all I do is hurt. What in Hell do I want?

Category: asked August 28, 2014

4 Answers

2
Michael,

I feel for you man. But you are your own worst enemy. Where I can't say I know what you're feeling or why... I think it maybe time to fess up and get some professional help. I just don't see anyone here having magical words or solutions to your problem.

It is obvious you don't want to feel the way that you do, which is great! You should be actively perusing happiness, but I assure you that no one else can give that to you... it is something you give yourself. I've given examples in the past that very clearly prove that happiness does not come from outside of you... it doesn't come from objects or other people. And it would be a terrible thing if it did because those things are transient and you end up in situations where they aren't around anymore and you suffer terribly. In truth there was a time in your life when you were perfectly happy and you weren't in any relationship at all. If you could be happy once in no relationship then you can be happy again without a relationship.

Once you are happy again people will come to you. People are attracted to self confident, funny, happy, up beat people.

I know you probably won't like much of what I'm saying but I'll still say what needs to be said.
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Forgive me if I am wrong but unlike the other people I do not feel that the problem here is a broken relationship. Even if that was the origin of you current feelings your mental state has far evolved from that of a mourning heart. I feel the same way at times. Life seemed so simple earlier didn't it? Everything was normal. You felt more capable, had wonderful friends and also the girl you liked. What I would like to point out is that even back then you did not really have an aim. You were as aimless as you are now. It has just come to your notice now. What I understood from the similar observation in my life was that it is OK to be aimless. Not everyone has a life target and certainly no one is aiming for it all the time. So there is nothing wrong with you my friend. As for the other part, I think what happened in your case was that initially you were heart broken and nothing else mattered. You lost your interest in friends,games etc. Gradually you overcome your broken heart but had already lost your friends and interest in games/life in general. You are now used to that aimlessness kind of stage and are critical of your efforts to come out of it. The way out I suppose is to keep making efforts as you are doing. But while at it you should also condition your mind. This takes a whole lot of determination. I know that you really want to get out of your current state. Channel this feeling as determination. Just be appreciative of the world around you and the people in it. Start your day by appreciating the morning atmosphere even though it is a normal morning and you hate mornings. Slowly you shall genuinely start appreciating the world around you. You wouldn't be faking it anymore. When you start appreciating things you will regain your lost interest. Similarly you have to make your self believe that you are happy. Soon you will be truly happy. I warn you that this takes time and you will almost definitely find it useless in the beginning. I certainly did. That is why you need to call upon your determination. Also, keep life simple. Don't think too much. Whenever you start falling into the negative cycle just deny your situation. You could think that you are absolutely fine and try to distract your mind into a different chain of thoughts. This would be effective in you forgetting about your aimlessness. I know i didn't make too much sense but i hope it helps. :)
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Minus the girl, this sounds like me after I graduated high school. :) Everyone *else* seemed to know exactly what they wanted and where they wanted to go and I felt like I was scrambling, trying to figure it out in under a year when it seemed like everyone else had known what they wanted to do their entire lives. So...what I did was not go anywhere and tried to figure it out for myself. Now I think I know what I want to do with my life--all I really need is money to get there. ;)

Reading this post though, it sounds like you're depressed, especially getting an urge to play a game and then just turning it off. (That sounds almost criminal to me. Once I start up a game I can be stuck playing it for hours. xD) I do feel like I know where you're coming from though--instead of surfing, I play games...and it's mainly to distract myself from feeling bad. ;) If I have a bad day, the first thing I would want to do is pick up a game and play for a few mindless hours--and that's what it sounds like you're doing while you surf--trying to distract yourself. (What *do* you do when you surf? You say aimlessly, but that 'aimless' surfing is comprised of hundreds upon hundreds of decisions on where to click next. Do you read articles? Do you watch Youtube? I doubt you're just staring at a blank screen. ;) I can get stuck in a Youtube "loop" if I'm not careful so I try to limit my viewing, or watch stuff where I can learn something new--and not stuff like how many subscribers Pewdiepie has now...I mean like real stuff, like what the word onomatopoeia means and where it originated. ;) Learning new things can make you feel useful).

As for the girl, I feel ill-equipped to advise you on that. I've never been in a romantic relationship before but it sounds like she's moved on, correct? In which case...you need to move on too. You're not doing yourself any favors living this way. And...something I learned from my 'educational sabbatical'...*you* are in charge of your own happiness. No one else. It sounds like you need to learn how to be happy on your own again and it may take a while, but it's okay--there's no hurry. I do think it would be to your benefit to get away from your computer and do other things though...perhaps other things you used to enjoy? Like hobbies, interests, etc? It sounds like the 'aimless browsing' is contributing to your listlessness. Surfing online and absorbing all of this information can make you feel really disconnected from yourself if that makes any sense and I think it'd be a good idea if you got away from your computer for a while...even just a day and see how you feel. And don't place so much pressure on yourself by trying to figure out what you want right this second...just learn to enjoy life again--while single--and work from there.

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These guys have all hit the nail on the head, bud. That said, I wanted to leave you with something I thought was important: "Holding on to the past means you can never be open to having a future." I want you to think about that. The world is full of so many avenues and opportunities. No one expects you to hold yourself to the standards of others, and clinging to the past will only hold you back from moving on.