I can’t even remember when I decided this, but I decided that I was going to give up on myself as an individual. I was going to give up on everything personal. I was going to pour my entire life into benefiting the human race. I wanted to become an Aerospace engineer and get us off of this planet and allow us to expand, I wanted to become an Astrophysicist to help us understand our universe. I didn’t want to do this because I wanted to be remembered, because I wanted a statue to be built for myself, I didn’t care if I, as a person, was forgotten completely. All I knew is that I wanted to aid in the long-term survival and prosperity of my species because that is our only true legacy. But then something happened that I didn’t expect, I didn’t ask for it. I fell in Love. And now all those things that I thought I had abandoned, those personal desires came back. It’s complete euphoria, being in love. I’m happier than I’ve ever been, but my happiness doesn’t function like I think it should (If that sentence makes sense). Every emotion I feel is immediately analyzed. for example; I feel the urge to do something romantic, immediately my mind goes; “you’re simply succumbing to your biological urges, you’re wasting time indulging in unnecessary feelings.” And I feel guilty for feeling. I completely agree with that analytic part of my mind, it is correct. So I don’t want to change, I don’t want any of you to attempt to convince me that It’s okay to feel, It isn’t okay, Its my duty as a human to put my race before myself. I simply want an explanation on why I am this way. I am aware that this is not a normal frame of mind for anyone to be in, I simply want to know why I am this way.
