Went from being interested to ignoring me… Cycle repeating again? -lengthy-

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I use to work with a guy for almost two years and we always got along great. He was a manager (not mine) and he was an all-around nice person. He would even bring me ice cream, which then became an inside joke between us, and others started to assume that he had romantic interest in me. I just found it friendly. About 10 months ago, he, myself, and two of my coworkers went to a bar one night just to hang out and drink and it was fine. One of my coworkers is close friends with him and I, and she kept suggesting to me that he and I should date. I figured it wouldn’t happen in a million years, but I wasn’t opposed to the idea.

Flash forward 6 months, he’s at a different location across town. I get a text from a number I didn’t recognize (I have no idea where he got my number from), and it was him asking what I was doing that night… He wanted me to come over and hang out with two of his friends (who are also managers for the same company, that I know pretty well). I had to be on the road at 6 am the next morning so I politely declined. He was rather persistent; he wanted me to stay the night, but I still declined. He then suggested the following night that I come over and stay until I had to work the next afternoon, and “I don’t want to hear no.” I said I would let him know when I would be back in town. But the next day rolls around and he told me that he was going to dinner and drinks with his friends that night and wasn’t sure how long that would last. Plans fell through, I was a little annoyed that he then started ignoring my texts, but I let it go and stopped contacting him.

Two months later, there was a yearly event going on at my store and he shows up there. There’s a window in my department and as he’s standing outside with the other managers he’s simultaneously staring at me. I didn’t pay him any attention. He comes inside and walks by twice as if he was coming inside to get something, but he’s clearly still looking in with the hopes of getting my attention. Still didn’t give in because I thought he lost interest. We have a small lobby in my department with a set of chairs; he takes a seat right out front as I’m working. I thought to myself, “Just when I thought he wasn’t interested, then he is? How strange.” Still didn’t look at him. It took for him to be in my only range of view through a glass by the door just to get me to say hi to him. I was nice, played it cool, and didn’t bring up the fact that he ignored me numerous times or flaked on me when he suggested making plans. It was normal conversation as if nothing ever happened.

That night I get a text from him saying he had ice cream at his place and I could have it if I wanted. At first I did decline and he was trying very hard to convince me, and he started to give up. I said we could compromise, in the sense that I wouldn’t be there for very long (contrary to the first time he tried to get me to come over, he wanted me to stay the night).

I got to his place, talked for a while as I ate his ice cream, and I acted rather nonchalant. I did casually ask “What took so long for this to happen?” He said “I don’t know. I didn’t know how else to get you over here except to offer you ice cream.” I stayed for an hour and we were all over each other. He wanted to have sex but I told him no, which he was respectful about it. But there was a lot of kissing and touching… It was fun. He told me he would be trying to take a week off work and that we should get together again during that time. I just said okay, sure. I figured that if he was throwing out suggestions and wanting to get together again, maybe he actually is interested?

He started back ignoring me again. Never responding to any texts I would send (which never came off as desperate or clingy by any means, they were just about General things that anyone could talk about), but he would still stop in my store sometimes and be talking to the store managers yet staring me down… But wouldn’t talk or say hi. Or when I looked in his direction he would look away. I was left confused.

A few weeks ago at 2 am my phone had a notification saying that someone was following me on Twitter. I didn’t recognize the persons name, so I went to their profile and it’s his ex girlfriend (confirmed by our mutual friend). Aside from him, I have no ties to this girl and have never met her. He and I had agreed that we weren’t going to say anything about our night, which I kept my end of the deal… Clearly he must have done some talking because it got back to her and she was able to find me on the Internet. Of course she immediately unfollowed me — I guess that happens when you’re creeping on someone’s page and accidentally hit the button. I didn’t confront him about it, although I kind of want to. I just saved the screenshot of the notification to my phone and left it at that.

Two nights ago there was a group outing with myself, co workers, and people that have previously worked with us, he being included. He kept his eyes on me for most of the night but wouldn’t say anything to me. I had at least 3 people ask me why it was so awkward between the two of us and all I could say was “I have no idea.” One person said “there’s some sexual tension there. You could cut it with a knife.” He talked to everyone else there and I did the same thing, he just couldn’t bring himself to say anything.

I feel like I’m on a roller coaster because I can’t figure out if he’s interested or not. Yesterday I sent him a text saying “I’m confused. Did I do something to offend you or am I missing something?” I still have yet to see a response from him, and who knows if I ever will. I’ve always been on the straight and narrow. I dont do well with people blowing hot and cold with me.

Is this some sort of crazy tactic men use to get women interested (clearly it works but maybe not for the right reasons)? Is he interested, is he not?

Category: Tags: asked August 16, 2015

3 Answers

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I think you should ask him this, in person not by phone
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This guy sounds like a total flake. He sounds like the type of guy that wants you but then when he has you he doesn't want you anymore. I think he enjoys putting you on that roller coaster and he obviously enjoys seeing you a lot. I would completely shut off all contact. That means no texting or calling him first or responding to his messages. He sounds like a complete waste of time. And you have to wonder about his ex, he's probably putting her through the same thing! He most likely told her about you to make her jealous and she was upset and had to see you on Twitter. Which is understandable that's just what people do when they are hurt. Dump this guy you deserve to be happy and have a guy way better than he is!
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You are completely correct in your assumption. In seduction, this is known as "hot and cold" and it can and has kept even the most ardent of lovers on a string for many years. The only way to escape it is by recognizing it and breaking the cycle.

When a seducer is playing you, they will give you intense attention for a little while, then ignore you quite deliberately, even sometimes becoming openly hostile with you, this is meant to unnerve you and make you question yourself, before they come back later with reconciliation and renewed romantic flair.

Break away from this leech and do not give him any chance of luring you back in. The most adept of seducers know how to beg, plead and even play the repentant lover. The best way to root out these snakes in the grass is to completely reject them and share no words with them whatsoever, and see whether they go from hot to cold in an attempt to shift the aggression, and make you again doubt yourself.

Make no mistake, this is abuse, and you do not deserve it.