It’s been ten months since she left me. We’d been together for five and a half years, she was my first girlfriend, my first kiss, my first lover, and my only for all of those. She left me and she’s been dating someone else for nine of these months. I’ve been through horrid emotional Hell the whole year. My mind and my life collapsed when she replaced me and recently when I thought I was finally doing better, and tried talking to her to regain our friendship, she admitted to me that not only had she been sleeping with this other guy but he was better than I was. Learning this triggered another emotional breakdown and I lashed out at her in my pain, calling her a slut.
She doesn’t deserve it though. She’s not doing anything wrong because I know I can’t control her life. But I was her best friend and her lover for six years, I gave my entire self to her for so long and now, knowing that she’s spreading her legs for someone else and enjoying it more than she did with me? I can’t take it. I can’t be her friend no matter how badly I want her back in my life. And even then I’ve said so many horrible things to her through my anger. Yet I haven’t fully let go of her, I haven’t moved on and when I think about being with another woman I feel awful. I want a significant other, I don’t want to be alone, but I can’t feel love anymore. Not love that isn’t for the girl I used to know. People tell me to get over it, you’re probably going to tell me to get over it. But I just can’t. Why can’t I?
