I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 4 months and he loves to joke around with me and everything and some days I love it and some days I don’t. On the days I don’t like it, I’ll nicely ask him to stop and he will. Here recently, when he jokes around with me, I’ve been more sensitive about it. Like I’ll cry, and feel like hurting myself even though I know that everything that he’s saying isn’t truth. He doesn’t say anything bad either, like he’s not meaning to hurt me whatsoever, he’d never do that. But I don’t like that I’m acting like this. The worst one was tonight.. He said something funny and I broke down crying and ended up saying a bunch of stuff I didn’t mean. He wasn’t mad at all because he knows how I am but I feel so horrible for everything that I’ve said and I wanna punish myself somehow. I don’t mean to hurt him and it just feels like I’m a whole different person when I turn sensitive. I’ve tried a lot of things to change and fix myself but I can’t keep it a habit or anything and I don’t know what else to do. I know he loves me, he knows I love him.. I’ve talked to him about it a lot and he tells me I’m perfect no matter what and that he never gets mad at it.. But I can’t keep treating him this way because it kills me to treat the person I love most like this…Can someone help me, please?
Hey, Clara Elliot. I know you feel guilty and frustrated with yourself right now, but I need to to consider the possibility that this is likely not your fault.
I understand you've have been unable to "fix yourself", but have been unable to. This alone should tell you that this is not something you can just control from sheer will. You're desperate enough to stop this that you've gone to complete strangers for advice--if you could stop doing this, you would have by now. If you could control it, I know you would make it stop, but since you can't, you shouldn't blame yourself for this.
I'd advise you to seek therapy, counseling, or if you're particularly concerned about a possible link to your mental health, to see if you can get a diagnosis from a psychiatrist. If you can't fix this problem (that isn't your fault) on your own, then you need to see someone who can.
Your boyfriend is a very caring and understanding person, and I know to hurt him makes you feel like a horrible person. But you can't fix this problem until you recognize that this reaction of yours isn't your fault and is out of your control (at least at the moment), and that if you do want to fix it, you need to find the REAL root of the cause from a professional.
It really sounds like you could have some emotional stuff going on. There's nothing wrong with you. Sometimes when people suffer from anxiety or depression in particular some days, they just struggle with things they don't usually take issue with. It's great to hear you have a supportive boyfriend and as long as you keep those communication lines open and tell him afterwards, when you're feeling a lot less angry or hurt that you don't mean them. Don't think that something is wrong with you, think of it as something you're working on. We all have times like this, I urge you not to look down on yourself and to consider talking to a GP if you have access to one. :)