When I was 13/14 I had really low self esteem (and still do,) and developed anorexia. My mum eventually pressured me to put on weight and I slowly did. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with the same kind of guilt which set everything off in the first place and I cried for days because I felt like I’d let myself down for gaining weight. I told my sister and then my mum, which was awkward and uncomfortable, especially since they both had terrified/clueless reactions. To anyone who has experienced the secretive nature of eating disorders, then you will understand the amount of fear you have when you are expected to talk about this thing – which has now become your entire life – in detail to someone. But after managing that, the therapist told me ‘you’re not underweight, so I don’t think there’s a problem’, which only now do I realize was harmful.
After a year I began bingeing and using laxatives. I’ve been doing this for nearly a year now and I’ve gained around 15-20lb. I feel awful and more depressed than ever. I can barely shower without crying and I’ve avoided going outside at all costs, which resulted in me dropping out of school. Several months ago my mum went through my stuff and found every wrapper and empty jar I had, laxatives and several notes about my eating. And these were notes which I wrote because I’d heard about how writing things down can help, but she’d read all of them. The worst part was how she waited for me to arrive home and enter my room to see the beautiful display she created of everything she’d found – and it was actually set out like a *display*. I already knew what I was doing was bad and all this did was make me scared of her. Other than this she has constantly yelled at me for being lazy, selfish and making things difficult for her even though I’ve told her repeatedly that I’m depressed. All she talks about is exercise and healthy eating which have extremely negative connotations for me now, so I asked her to stop because it made me feel bad but she didn’t. Now I feel terrified when I hear her voice or foot steps in the house and I hate asking her for anything. I’m supposed to be going back to school this September with two years left before I leave for Uni, how do I cope with this for two years? (anything other than talking to my mum. I’m not going to talk with with her about this just because we’re blood related. I’ve tried before and it feels worse not better.)
thanks.
