I am having a mental breakdown. Been having a mental breakdown for the past several days after 5 AP Exams and a year that’s just been a flat-out roller coaster of emotions that I’ve been having to hide from everyone… It’s been a lot of fun. Basically, I’m graduating this month, and the closer and closer I get to starting college, the more I realize that I may not make it through 4+ more years of schooling without completely losing it. It’s a miracle that I’ve already made it through 12 years without killing myself. I’ve concluded that the astronomical pressure placed on me to “succeed” has damaged me both mentally and physically (lack of sleep/food) the point that I got extremely stressed out and almost completely depressed over my AP Physics Exam that I wasn’t even originally planning on taking because my school and my parents had conditioned me into thinking that if I didn’t do well on all 6 of the AP Exams that I had to take this year, that I would be a miserable failure, even though I could just as easily take the course in college, which, like I said, I’m pretty sure I won’t make it through. And what is all this mental stress even for? For a degree on a highly specialized subject that I don’t give a crap about? For an highly disposable income that I don’t need so I can be like my dad and buy expensive TVs and sports cars just to say I have them and show of how “successful” I am? I don’t give a crap about that. Honestly, I’d be much happier working a lower income job if it meant that I could go one month without questioning the significance of my existence and wanting to kill myself because everything I’m doing feels absolutely pointless and impossible. As long as I have food, shelter, and an internet connection, I don’t care how much money I have. As long as I can surround myself with people who actually care about me and not the person they want me to be, I really don’t give a shit. Why do my parents think I give so many shits? Why do I keep getting so stressed out over something that I don’t actually give a shit about? I feel like I’ve internalized my parents’ expectations and that’s put me in the state I’m in now, and I know it’s not right or healthy. But if I told my parents any of this, they’d think I’m ungrateful for the opportunities I’ve been given. The opportunities for what? What did this accomplish? What will this accomplish beyond superficial status and goals set by capitalistic greed? Honestly, I just want to say to hell with college and leave my parents behind. But I can’t. Because at this point, they practically own me, proven by the depression I had over AP exams and college registration. I don’t give a shit, but at the same time, I give way too many shits. Sorry, I guess this wasn’t really as much a question as it was me venting, but if anyone has practical advice, I’d appreciate that. I’m going to lie down.
