Hello! my name is Raphael, i am 17 years old. I never really knew i was gay till the 9th grade. I would always see these couple around middle school and i would think to myself ” he has that kind of girl because he looks better than me” so i wanted to be that guy, but then started noticing once i got to 8th grade that i don’t want to be that person ” i like that person”. So that happened and then i tried to refuse that i was having gay feelings because it disgusted me so much and I’ve had many girlfriends but never really liked it but then decided that’s who i am and accepted myself for who i was around my junior year in high school so i had much time to think things threw. I decided to come out to my best friend and he was so cool with it, i was surprised. He told me i should tell my mom, to make things cool. I Told him no, i also told him i wanted to leave right after high school and loose contact with them because i was embarrassed. He was upset, and it got to me because i couldn’t believe i was still ashamed of my own self. Two weeks after that i decided to tell my mom at 3 in the morning on a school night, she accepted me which was cool but i told her i wanted to tell my dad when i felt the time was right. she insisted that i went to therapy to see if i was really gay, she told me ” he will tell you if your really gay on the first session” i was confused because i though to myself ” how can someone know if your gay in only an hour, he doesn’t know you and cant know you in one hour” but that was never a go because i guess it was to expensive. Half a year passed by and i still haven’t told my dad because i wanted to find a right time, my mom and sisters would always tell me stuff when my dad was near like ” hey Raph don’t you have something to tell dad” trying to be funny which they were not , they knew i hated that and it would just leave my dad questioned. one day i bought a shirt that said “No H8″ for day of the silence at school, my mom got ferocious when she saw that shirt because she doesn’t want me to show who i am. we got into a huge argument and she was like “what if your dad finds out” and i told her, “then let him find out” we were both mad and i really didn’t mean that. so that night she told my dad but i didn’t know because i was sleeping because the next day i had a doctors appointment. my dad took me to the doctors appointment, i kid you not, that was the most awkwardest day of my life and i had no idea why, me and my dad were really close and always talked so i knew something was up. when we got home, i was cleaning my room and passed by my sisters room and my mom was in there laughing how she told my dad. i opened the door then told her while i was crying, “why did you tell him, you know i wanted to tell him” is what i told her. i walked up the street to try and calm myself down cause i was so upset, she then texted me to go home so i did and i went straight to my bed. she walked in and was trying to talk to me, and i told her ” why did you tell him” and this lady told me “because you didn’t have the balls to do it so i told him” i just started crying and told her ” that wasn’t your choice” and she said ” yes it was cause i am the mom” ive never met such an ignorant woman as my own mother, kinda sad but true. so the next day came and when i came home from school i went straight to my room and i heard my mom talking to my dad about the counselling thing again and i didn’t want to talk to her so i just simply texted her saying ” i don’t want to go to consoling” she came barging into my room, yelling at my saying ” who the fuck are you to decide where your going, if i say your going to counseling, i don’t want you to ask why” i started yelling back at her because that aggravated me so much. she took my phone and i left to my friends house. i called my dad to let him know i was there and her started yelling at me to go back home. so i did, and when my friend dropped me off at home, all the windows and doors were locked. My brother opened the door and i walked in and i saw my mom sitting on the table and i sat over there and i told Her “i know you have something to say” and she told me ” i have nothing to say, i gave up on you” wasn’t sure what she gave up on because not allot had happen but whatever ill let her talk so i went to my room. i was then on summer break and holy cow, those were the most boring 3 months of my life, i was counting the days down to go back to school and there was so much that happened but i wont get into detail but i had no one to talk to, i spent everyday in my room because i was grounded for talking back i guess. Ill bring up a couple things that happened, well my dad was starting to talk to me and he told me ” if your mom says anything to you, don’t say anything and just walk to your room” so one day i was on instagram on the xbox because i didn’t have my phone, my sister texted my mom saying i was on instagram and my mom can speed walking from her room and started yelling at me, i simply turned off the xbox and started walking towards my room and she grabbed me and shoved me and start to them scream at my face with her finger at my nose say ” who the fuck do you think you are” i was simply fed up with her crap so i blew up in her face telling her to “fuck off because she was no one to me anymore” she kinda got scared because i never done that before. i went to my room, and fell asleep when i woke up my dad was sitting in front of me and lecturing me and told me ” im going back to work and if your mom calls me again , you already know whats gonna happen” meaning he was going to beat the shit out of me. Another thing was that i sorta lost it in my room, but imagine three months in a room alone, who wouldn’t loose there mind. i started throwing things around the room and when she came in she started yelling at me and i remember i was balling my eyes out and i hate to bring it up but i wanted to take my life right then n there ugh bad memories but i remember i was just crying and yelling say ” take me to my grandma, i wanna go whit her because she loves me ” and all she said in a bitchy attitude was ” i am not gonna take you”, my dad them came from work and went in the room and grab a wooden stick that supports the bed and grab my shirt collar and told me ” you better pick this mess up of i am beat you so bad” i just remember crying and sobbing picking up the mess. ooh man i remember when school came back in session, they made me walk to school which was 7 miles away so i got up at one in the morning and got ready and walked 2 miles to my friends house and sleep for a bit there and he would give me a ride to school. i remember around those times that i would walk to his house asking myself ” why am i here, there is no point in being here”. all my brothers and sisters and my dad sided with my mom because she always sugar coated things. and would cry to them saying ” idk why your brother is doing this to me” so much more happened but i wont say because i guess i am not suppose to be venting on this question thing, but i guess were OK now, but i tried to fix thing so many times by saying i was sorry but i guess sorry isn’t good enough for her since she “didn’t” do anything wrong, and she sometimes is like “why are you bringing up the pass, the past is the past ” and i simply tell her there somethings that are easy to forget but there are many things that stay scarred in your mind. They don’t show me respect for me since i am a “stupid teenager that don’t know shit”. she also still gets mad if i do a gay movement or say something that is gay. she starts to tell me that i need to do sports or something because that’s the reason i am the way that i am. i told her i was gonna leave after high school and she always ask me ” so where are you gonna go?” but i am not sure if i am ready for the real world. i hope i am, and i better decide quick because i only have a half year and it will go by quick. Should i loose connections with my family or leave but keep in touch with them please give me some feed back.
