Need help in responding to husband’s constant criticism

0

My husband has already told me he is waiting 9 years to leave me. That would be when my daughter is 18. I have tried everything to make the relationship work, even started seeing a therapist but the therapist told me it sounds like my husband needs to come in, which might be pointless because I believe my husband is done with our relationship or lack there of. My main problem is that he belittles me and tells me things such as I am disorganized, which I am not perfect but I am not a total slob. Most people would say I am balanced, I am not a complete neat freak but I am not a slob. I clean dishes, make beds, dust, mop, laundry, etc. work part time, go to school part time. Any chance he can get, is a criticism or insult. Today’s really hit me hard with my middle son going away to sleep away camp tomorrow for the first time…Husband told me he hopes he never marries anyone like me and I replied I am not a bad mother…what does that mean? I have been crying all day about this very hurtful thing the father of my kids said to me today. I guess I do not know how to react to him anymore?

Category: asked June 28, 2014

14 Answers

5
I'm sorry that your experiences with your husband are beyond disrespectful when it comes to how you should treat a woman. I'm going to say that you deserve better. And while he may be the father of your children, I can tell you that he may not be the best option. A man that belittles a woman is hardly a man. And no one is perfect, so it shouldn't be expected for you to be perfect. Heck I still have a bag of hush puppies in my room from back in January. (Just found them today. It was gross :/ ) Anyway you shouldn't listen to his terms. You make your own terms. And if goes sideways, then you take the custody of your children and be the best mother that you are. I personally grew up without a father. And while it was hard, my mom was always there with me. We supported each other. (Well me more as cuteness support while she finished her doctorate degree) You don't have to take criticisms from him anymore, because you personally know they aren't true. If your husband is truly beyond help, and won't listen to reason, know that you've got it under control. If all the options haven't been exhausted them I would continue to try to reason with him. I hope for the best :). if you want to keep me updated you can message me. And I'll try my best to reply in a timely fashion!
1
I see answers of people saying that he needs to go to therapy with you, etc. - but he's being perfectly clear: he wants absolutely nothing to do with you. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but your husband sounds like a first class prick and you deserve a hell of a lot better than that.
Listen, people who "stay together for the kids" have got it all wrong in my book. Kids are pretty clever and pick up on signals when things are amicable; in your case, it's going to be glaringly obvious. Not to mention that any abuse he hurls your way (and what he says to you IS abuse) will eventually (if not already) be seen by your kids and start to affect them as well, and they most certainly deserve better than that.
My advice? Get the fuck out of dodge. Get your ducks lined up in a row and start divorce proceedings. It may be a miserable process, but you'll be so much happier in the end. Good luck!
0
Your therapist is right. Your husband has to go in and get help with you.

No one is perfect and his overly high bar expectations are not conducive to a happy relationship. You should attempt to get him into therapy but perhaps you should sell it as a way to make the next nine years more bearable for each of you. You never know; if you get him in there things might change and he might become more willing to work it out.
0
I wish I had some amazing advice to help you but all i can say is hang in there. I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. I suppose try and keep it together for your daughter. I truly am sorry <3
0
Hello,

Those are some terrible things for anyone to say to anyone else. Your husband is obviously maliciously trying to hurt you and there is no just reason why. Of course you probably feel you aren't doing anything to justify this type of treatment and I can't imagine anything you could do to justify it.

You have some decisions to make. You shouldn't continue on this way. Since he won't see the therapist with you maybe involve family members. If he would admit to saying the things you say he is saying... I can't see how anyone, even on his side of the family, would would stand up for it. Once the abuse stops you can look at resolving the reasons why. Obviously he isn't happy and a therapist can really help him realize why he isn't happy because he may not even know. It could also be some sort of mental illness and a therapist may also be able to see this.

The other choice is to well leave... if the abuse doesn't stop abruptly after you involve help... this is what I would suggest you do.
0
Thank you for the responses. I cannot hold the pain in anymore. I never do anything right yet everyone tells me all I do is run around for the kids. I even ask him to go to dinner one night when all three of our kids were busy and I realized we were alone. I was not going to ask but I said well, let me be nice since we were both hungry. So we went and he mentions about 3 weeks later how it was nothing and I did nothing. I said we talked, isn't that what we are supposed to go to dinner for? I really think he just has it out for me at this point and is trying to get me to leave...
0
And I'm just a mess...lol Anyone know how to add a profile pic?
0
And to change click your current profile. (Not activity) Then look underneath your current empty avatar until you see the change avatar icon. Then just upload something from your desktop, phone, tablet. Then you just press set and you're all clear.
0
Thank you very much Drew. This seems to help....I'm a little more at ease for the moment. It is just waking up to it again in the morning. I try to be nice but I am not sure what else to do. Nothing is ever good enough. Anyway, like I said thank you. I do think his sleep apnea has a lot to do with it. He hated me for telling him to get it but he does not wear the machine he is supposed to be wearing for it. I suspect this may have something to do with this moods but like I told someone else, he really is just this nasty to me. He hides it in front of everyone else, other than my kids, which I continuosly tell them is horrible and not good for them to hear.
0
I agree wit everyone else. You need to make some tough decisions. Going on like this sounds really bad. You could try discussing with you husband about this, but he seems like he might not bother to understand. You shouldn't listen to his constant nagging, don't let it get to you. But I agree with others. Stay strong!
0
Wow was he always like this? Or has this change over time? I think what he is going through is something deeper than you. He is hurting inside and his taking it out on you. Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Do you see him cry? Hes not a good man if his treating you like this. You have a lot on your plate, going to school and having a job plus having to be a mom! That's a lot to handle for one person. May God bless you...its been tough and he shouldnt be treating you like this at all! To be honest your better with out him even though yes he is the father of your children. You dont need the negative attitude around you and our children its not healthy at all!
0
I barely want to speak when I enter a room. I feel my heart racing which is why I started going to a therapist a few weeks ago. Anyway, I did not see it right away but some signs were there. I thought he was a good guy, it is just these mood swings he refuses to realize, my 16 year old realizes it and my two younger ones do too but they see that I feel helpless when he attacks. I usually walk away now and start cleaning or today I left and stayed at a friends house for a few hours. He has become progessively worse over the last year. The more I do on my own, the angrier he gets...I try not to ask for much help from him unless it involves the kids and it is something he should be helping out with. When kids were younger he worked a lot, 3 jobs, I think he blames me for that but I was home alone with 3 kids 24 hours a day. He seems to have a problem letting go of old situations/conflicts...I have let a lot go he has done or not done but I guess it was my mistake to assume he would get over fights when it comes to me. He carries around anger and brings up things I said to him when I was pregnant 10 years ago...I can't even be angry about what happened last week, let alone a long time ago.
0
hey mama, I know it's hard but personally i would leave. emotional abuse is still abuse. I am glad you are getting help but a therapist can only help you so much.

my relationship mantra has always been if your partner isn't willing to help make the relationship better, that it's time to leave. I understand you have a lot invested in this, but think of it this way, do you want your children to think that this is what a relationship between two people is like? do you want them to believe this is acceptable? I have three young ones, and I wouldn't want them to believe that this kind of relationship is ok. please stand up for yourself. PM me if you need mama.

also he mentions leaving you once the children become 18, please ready yourself financially. :::hugs:::
0
You are absolutely right. I think I am going to have to accept that...Thank you.