My mom has always been a best friend and I think we were closer when we were younger. Things were stable (somewhat) back then. After my brother left, it seemed like the financial situation deteroriated. I’m in college now but I come home during summers to work. My grandma lives with my mom and has been helping her financially because she was/is a single mother. I have been suicidal since I was 14 and I wish my mom realized she was one of the main reasons why. Money wise, it’s bad. Recently, she’s been a month or two behind on her rent, and our landlord has cut off our access to wash clothes. I don’t make much a week, and when I do, it goes towards my own bills. I wouldn’t mind helping her, and I do from time to time, but it seems to be really constant. I don’t know. I feel selfish for saying that although she’s nearing her 60s, I thought she would be doing better than this. :/ Instead of asking her boyfriend, who makes more than her, I can’t understand why I always have to feel like I owe her money for things. (She’s always kind of treated her boyfriends better than me). I don’t have it like that. I really can’t wait to move out, because I hate where we live, I hate having to go home and barely speak to my mom because we had an argument. I just don’t know what to do. I can’t keep living like this.
I'm really sorry for your unfortunate circumstances, both you and your mother do deserve better. But for now all she has really is you, her boyfriends, and of course her mother (who can't really help her much) and even though she doesn't express her love everytime to you, it doesn't mean she never stopped loving you, just like you still love her yet you hate to see her like this and even more so that you cannot even talk to her because of an argument you had with her. Well try to imagine how she feels about those two situations and more because she'll be the one evicted from the home. The answer is that you can't really be held accountable for her lifestyle choices, she chose not to ask her boyfriends for money (Maybe because she would feel selfish, like you do when you don't want to give her any money) and she shouldn't expect you to pitch in for the majority of the rent money because she needs to understand you got personal bills aswell, but it doesn't mean you do not owe her. It's not money you owe but just the love and the support that really matters. It's true you're supporting her financially but you're not truly having a good mother and daughter relationship because you feel miserable around her and it has caused you to feel down and even depressed which has lead to suicidal thoughts. I feel as if you moved out yesterday, you would barely want anything to do with your mother and in the long run you will regret it because it's not fair to you nor your mother. I would advised for you to see a counselor or a trained professional about your suicide thoughts, you could aswell bring your mother but sometimes it might not happen. None the less you'll get help with coping from the past and fixing communication skills with her in the present time, you just need to start building that loving relationship up with your mother to truly pay her back. I support your decisions none the less if you choose a different course of action, yet don't leave yourself feeling alone or upset. You can always send me a message through Blah Therapy and I will happily talk with you about anything you might be going through. Stay strong Missy!