My Friend is using my Sexuality as a weapon?

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So I’m a bisexual guy, and a few weeks ago I finally managed to come out to all of my friends.

I got mostly positive responses – some were pretty crappy but I’m pretty happy with their reactions and they’ve been really great to me, and helping me hide it from my family, who disagree with anything LGBT to be honest.

One of the people who knows I’m bisexual found out a few days before anyone else, because at a party out of town I got drunk and started fooling around with another guy. Problem is I wouldn’t want her to know if I had the choice because she can be very fickle and I was afraid she’d tell someone.

A few days ago I was talking to one of my friends, and once they left she came over to me saying “I was hoping I’d miss that big loser, but with his size I doubt I’d ever be able to miss him”, so obviously I defended him and told her that she was out of line making jokes about his weight. This is not the first time she’s made fun of someone’s appearance, she also points out when people have greasy hair, or acne and makes really hurtful remarks.

She told me today that she’s been a good friend by not telling my sister about my sexuality (as they’re friends), and if I don’t wanna have my sister find out I should be more polite to her and let her “tell it how it is”.

I really need her to back off about my sexuality and my process of coming out, but at the same time I’m not gonna play best friends with her when she’s going around making fun of people’s appearances and making snide comments! What should I do?

Category: Tags: asked January 30, 2015

5 Answers

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accepted
I'm sorry but she doesn't sound like a pleasant individual, to put it lightly. I'd suggest you slowly cut off contact with her, if you are as upset by her negativity as you seem, it shouldn't be a difficult process for you. You can also just explain to her that her negative behavior effects you and it is absolutely immature and unacceptable for her to try and use your sexuality to gain leverage. That's not what a good friend does, man. You don't deserve that BS from someone who's supposed to be close to you. Honestly I admire your restraint because if someone did that to me.. I'd be a little less considerate. How do you think your sister might react to finding out that you're bisexual? You're welcome to message me if you want to discuss it more, I understand that you're in a complex situation, my friend. Sending you positive vibes.
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I know it sounds skeptical, but sometimes siblings are more understanding than you'd think. Tell your sister first, or bring up a similar situation and see her reaction. If it's positive, dump that friend. I know there's always the chance that she will tell someone else, but rumors come and pass. If you're ready to come out if she does, just confirm it! I know it isn't ideal, but it makes it kind of..simpler sometimes.

If she is being this negative about it, she isn't a true friend. You don need those kinds of people in your life, sweetheart. Stay strong, message me if you need anything else or just wanna chat (:
Also, my advice/positivity/recovery tumblr is here if you'd like to check it out.
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ActicGal has some really good points. Friend or not, this girl seems like a pretty toxic person to be around. Cutting of contact, is possible, seems like a good idea. If not, because it sounds like she's in your friend group that you hang out with, try ignoring her specifically. Not what she says, but just, if you're doing things as a group, don't include her so much in your questions or comments.Would your sister react badly to finding out that you're bisexual? Or is it that you're afraid she might let it slip to your parents, either way I understand, but if she wouldn't react badly, or if you think you could talk her around to it, you may be able to tell your sister yourself, if you want, of course, and basically take away what your "friend" is using to blackmail you with. And at that point, without something to abuse you with, there'd be nothing to stop you from telling her how it is, and that the way she speaks about other people isn't always appropriate.Feel free to message me if you'd like to talk, or whatever. I'm not open about my sexuality with my family, either, and I've dealt with some total jerks about it. It'll get better, though, eventually. I'm sending good vibes your way!
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A person like that is definitely NOT your friend. In fact, she shouldn't even be in her life. She just sounds like a horrible person who's probably miserable on the inside. I would cut off contact with her as others here have mentioned.
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In front of blackmail, a suggested tactic is to give her the impression you don't care of whatever hurt comes, rather than being blackmailed. If it happens again, take out your phone and tell her you two can call your sister immediately together and tell her how you are bi and how she is going to tell her because you are not polite.