Is there any exceptions to lying when it comes to serious relationships?

0

In these last 6 months, I feel as though my boyfriend is a compulsive liar because I found things that he had kept certain things from me and lied to my face about things I will mention in a bit. We are both 2 years and 2 months into our relationship, we’re both 19 years old currently and we are working long distance [50 miles apart/ he comes home every other week to see me still regardless of the condition we've been in the last week.] We often talk about our feelings and communicate a lot. But lately I couldn’t stand the idea that he kept lying to me about trivial things and now I can’t help but wonder if anything he spouts is true. I broke up with him 1 week ago but we still talk as best friends. He still tells me he loves me but I told him to stop so he tells me “I like you.” every night before bed. What I want to know is if I made the right decision to let go or if I let my paranoia [jealousy] get the best of me? Is there any exceptions to lying? Because I know we all do it but is there an extent?

Please note that he’s a very decent man. He’s intelligent, not a partier, not a drinker/smoker/nothing. He’s very introverted and is so genuinely polite.

Stuff that he lied about would be like talking to girls [not sexually or flirtatiously or intimate] but definitely showing interest in them as a person [I don't know if that's a bad thing or if it's healthy to get to know other people?] Another thing he did was talk to this girl [Tien] for an hour or so after he left me to go to bed early claiming he was exhausted and wanted to get off webcam. I left him alone and when i was playing with his phone the next day [because it was brand new] I found the texts and questioned him. He told me he forgot.. and sweared to me that he went to bed right away. I made him text the girl to tell him what time they ended the convo and she confirmed it. [this tien girl was a one time thing]. He normally doesn’t talk to other people that much. So that’s why it worries me when he talks to other girls at night. My boyfriend [ex i guess] and I normally talk everyday 24/7 since… the 9th grade. Am I too paranoid? I mean I read stuff like her saying she was gonna go to sleep but he continued the conversation anyway and like friendlily teased her calling her a “bully”. I was like okay… until he asked her about her plans this winter break [he knows Im leaving the entire winter break -3 weeks- to go out of the country with my family]. Then he asked her who she was gonna hang with and then he asked her if she wanted to hangout with him.
I was SO angry. He’s never been that kind of guy to ask other girls who weren’t even casual friends with him to hangout. He told me that he didn’t mean it and just wanted to make conversation. I pointed out there was a BUTTload of other stuff to talk about. I didn’t care that he talked to a friend. I care that he tried to hide it from me when cold hard evidence was right in his face. I told him no more lies. But he lied to me about going out to eat with 5 girls as a group too. He also tutored this girl from a different building in her dorm at 9pm twice as well for a chem test bc they had the same teacher and he told he there were 2 other girls in the dorm as well. [he confessed this to me after we broke up.]

I DONT know what to do. I DONT know how to feel though I still love him and I feel so hurt to have to find out about everything. Is this what couples do?? Do they lie to spare the other’s feelings? Am I just paranoid? Am I wrong? I don’t have any close friends to go to for advice. What should I do?

Please let me know if I could provide more details. I really need help with this so I’ll definitely respond.

Category: Tags: asked October 30, 2014

3 Answers

1
Lying in a relationship is always a huge nono, and especially while trying to make longdistance work, so I think you have a very good reason to be upset about him repeatedly lying. BUT your reaction to him speaking with a female friend sounds rather extreme to be honest. He might actually have been planning on going to bed early, but then randomly started talking to her and it rolled on. He might even honestly have forgotten about what time the convo ended. I have some of male friends who've started lying to their girlfriends about such because they don't want a reaction like that and as they say "I know she'll take it the wrong way. I just don't wanna fight about it.".. So my advice is plain and simple that if you trust him, give him a break. If you don't, well the relationship just can't work without trust so you might as well call it quits.
0
first,calm down and relax u are not wrong.long distance always have these problems because its harder to trust a person completely when he's not in your sight and especially in your case when he lies so much.secondly,on the part that he has started talking to girls that doesn't completely mean that he's betraying you,its like he's changing and it has become a lil difficult for u to accept that change,u have been friends since ninth grade right? there might be a lot of things that has changed in you and he didn't like but he used let it go.along with all these incidents with other girls,did he start treating u differently like i mean ignoring u or something like that,if that true then he may be betraying you. if u have broken up with him then you should not be friends with him,its better to kill your heart than stabbing it daily and u also know if u guys talk every day the more he'll make u feel about the relationship u guys shared and eventually u'll give in to him.see u have to think about him,from the time to start dating till now did his display of love for you changed,did you feel like he's ignoring you,or acting weird,if nothing like this has happened then maybe you could talk with him and sort out your every doubt,take a lil break from him and think about starting new with him but if he has ignored you to talk to other girls then u better move on,no matter how much it hurts.
0
He actually still talks to me everyday. And he talks to me more than any of those girls he's ever encountered.... no he hasnt ignored me or treated me any different. But I can't help but feel paranoid that maybe someday he'll do something that we can never get back from. I have gotten advice that sometimes guys lie to avoid drama, especially if their girlfriend is sensistive and might get upset.