This is gonna be a long one, so skip to the bottom if you’d like the TLDR version.
Let me begin with saying I’m a 23 year old female with what I believe is a fairly normal sex drive when it comes to “personal time.” I’m not a virgin, so I already do know what it’s like. That being said, I HATE the idea of sex. I recently had a guy ask me about engaging in premarital sex as an ice breaker and was angry. Yes, it was a terrible opener, but I don’t think its normal that I was as angry about it as I was. The very idea that he thought it was okay infuriated me. Why did this guy even think it was okay to think he could put his hands on me at any time? Why is that acceptable to him, but not to me?
I’ll give you some backstory that will probably help. As a teen I lost my virginity by rape to my first and only boyfriend. We dated for about four months, during which time he was physically and verbally abusive, as well as sexually at the end. It’s been years since then, I’ve experimented a bit with other men I trusted just to see what it really should be like. No fireworks. I’ve considered dating, but the first mention of sex and a guy was split off into a different category. Sex wasn’t for dating. Once I realized these individuals were sexual beings that wanted me to be sexual too, I stopped trusting them for anything more then that. You want my body, you don’t get my heart. Guess I wanted to keep one or the other unbroken.
Recently though, rather then being terrified of touch, something I was able to overcome with those I trusted, I have been angry. I dare say I’m even in revolt against the very concept. I don’t blame others for engaging in sex. I’ve seen porn, doesn’t bug me. But when a man shows sexual interest in me I’m furious. How dare they find me attractive. How dare they want to touch me. How dare they think that it’s okay. I don’t want to be like that. Right now i don’t feel like that, but in those moments it’s like a switch goes off in my brain. I’m ready to bite, kick, claw, scream, whatever I have to. Touch me you Bastard and I’ll take you down with me however I have to kinda mentality.
Has anyone else faced a reaction like this they couldn’t explain? I mean, I can explain it, but it’s such a sudden onset of anger rather then my previous response of fear that I dont understand quite why it’s happening. I almost feel like it’s an outburst, whatever anger is left over from back then, but why now? Anyway, any help that can be offered would be nice.
TLDR version – The mention of someone wanting to have sex with me makes me turn into a scary scary monster. Help.
