I wanted to know if I should be worried about my relationship

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Reason is this. I have been dating this guy, who I moved away from friends and family for, for almost 9 months now. He said I could move in with him because otherwise we would be long distance dating. It was too soon at first then we broke up twice and I moved back in with him. I know sounds crazy already, lol. Things started getting really great and our relationship was growing into something beautiful. We have this string emotional connection that is awesome. We really love each other very much. Here goes. When we fight which is more than I’d like, he goes into this horrible tirade of insults, put downs, and cruelty. It is horrible. I bawl my eyes out every time it happens of course. He said from when it first happened that he doesn’t mean any of it and he is always sorry that he hurt me. Honestly now that it happens with every fight that doesn’t make me feel any better. I know no matter what I say, I admit I’m no angel. I have done things that understandably made him mad, but at other times I was just telling him how I feel about something or letting him know I need more affection, kissing, cuddling from him. I don’t believe anyone deserves that kind of treatment period. I put up with it although I’ve told him that it has to stop. It doesn’t. Also have asked if he would be willing to go to therapy together or for hihimself and he refuses there is anything wrong. Now he went to his sisters house for the holiday last night, but didn’t invite me. He told me months ago that he wasn’t going to. So I knew, but still was and am upset about this. He says it’s because he isn’t close with them and is embarrassed of his mom aND sister. I don’t really understand why if he loves me like he says he does why he wouldn’t want to share with them his girlfriend and his happiness. I introduced him to my parents on thanksgiving weekend but he refused to go to my brother’s house for thanksgiving dinner which we were invited to and for Christmas dinner at my brother’s too. I asked him if he would go and he said I don’t want to. I’m gonna just go day after Christmas by myself to see my brother and his family. I’m not happy about this. He also denied my Facebook friends request few months,ago. I was upset and felt slighted by this. He said I don’t go on there at all really and heven wants to avoid drama. I felt like what is he hiding honestly. Friends of mine agreed with me mostly. I still feel kinda hurt by it like he doesn’t want to share me and our relationship with fb friends or his family. To me it doesn’t show love. He has told me he’s a very private person. And nerds and shy which I don’t mind. Should I be worried or think there is seriously something wrong? ? ? The really weird thing is he will yell and be like what is wrong with you. Several times he says this is, a super crazy, unstable , frustrated voice. It’s very odd for him to be like I’m the one that has,the problem. What in the wored right?!? I wonder if he’s narcissistic or bipolar or personality disorder maybe? I’m bipolar and I don’t act this way. I can control my anger. Although I admit I too raise my voice but only after he is awful to me. This is crazy.

asked December 23, 2014

7 Answers

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It's a bit odd that you live with him and that he seems to hide that you two are together. If you two have those kind of fights then it's understandable that you asked to go in therapy. It seems like he isn't trying to make things better. It always has to come from two sides and from what you're explaining, it's only coming from your side. You should have a serious talk with him about your worries. If he's not willing to meet you halfway, then I'ml afraid I have to tell you that it might be better to let go. Spend your time with someone who actually wants to be with you. He shouldn't insult you every time there's an argument and certainly not when you just express how you feel.
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Thank you for listening and I appreciate the insight. I'm scared and I love him so much but feel that there's something really wrong inside. I don't want to break up but the things.. the family stuff really bother and hurt me. Sad about it. Afraid to Talk to him because he gets mad and fights so easily. I kind of rely on him a bit with our living situation. He pats,most of the rent since I can't afford it. I give him money still. He gets mad about that too that I can't contribute more.
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Thank you. I am not sure how to go about talking to him tonight. I'm worried he will just think I'm trying to make him feel bad. He always says this. That I am made to feel bad.. he makes me feel awful so I think its so selfish that he says that. I do agree with what you said, but it's hard to leave him. I have so much invested in him emotionally. I do respect myself. I feel he doesn't though well when we fight.
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This guy isn't doing a good job of making you feel happy at all, and that's exactly what he's supposed to be doing. A lot doesn't seem to check out, and it's only fair that you're going to want proper answers. The fact that he's private and everything - honestly, that sounds like nonsense. Him making you feel as though you shouldn't be giving him trouble about these things and that it's unfair is no good. You seem to me to be a decent person and you do deserve better than this. Emotions are always tricky, but unless these feelings of unhappiness for you go away, this isn't a relationship that is good for you at all. What's happiness that comes with pain like this? You'll love like this again, so don't worry about that. And don't feel bad about anything here yourself, even leaving the relationship will have been your boyfriend's doing. I hope that whatever happens, you're happy. Good luck :)
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Spend your time with some1 better as this guy doesn't want to show you as his gf or wants to come in family... Plus never insult any1 even how much angry you get... Caution for this type of stuff as he will insult you every time you ever would fight with him... [My uncle is like that :( ] anyway the point is if he doesn't wanna be introduced or introduce you to families he shouldn't get the pleasure of being with you then...
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Okay, the red flags: 1. The verbal abuse that he throws at you. 2. Not accepting the Thanksgiving invitation from your family. 3. Not wanting to take you to his family's Christmas event. 4. Refusing your Facebook friend request. This fellow is psychologically abusive, emotionally abusive and probably does not give a damn about you, past having you in residence as a convenient source of sex. Get out. Now.
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Thank you all for your advice and input. I do see the problems and disfunction in this relationship for sure. I had a heart to heart with him two days before Christmas and it went ok. No fighting this time a hurtful words. He was calm, but I think it was only because he was drunk. Really drunk from his work christmas dinner. Anyway I got some answers to his whole family thing and they were basically this: the only reason his ex wife met is mom and sister were because they bought a condo together and his family wanted to come see it. He never even told his Mom he was married to her for 10 years. So WEIRD!!! Right? !? I was floored when he told me this. I said wth why? He said because she would have made him have a huge church wedding. They are catholic and Vietnamese. I am the typical European mix, white girl. I grew up Christian. Anyway just a ltitle background there. I'm also divorced and early forty, which makes this relationship even harder to start over again, alone and single in your forties sucks, but lots of people do it. He also said about why he he hasn't introduced me to his family is because he never even sees them but once a year. Hasn't seem his mom in two years or talked. Which is sad I think. She isn't a good person, he says and she treats him like she doesn't care about him. Sad. Anyway he isn't family oriented at all. So he reassured me he wasn't ashamed at all. Honestly he doesn't do it with much compassion. . Even though i was tearing up when I was trying to talk to him about how I felt. He seems to lack that or empathy. He may have a tiny bit, not much at all towards me. He said sorry if I'm a jerk, but I don't want to meet your brother. He said siblings don't matter much. Parents are a different story. Don't like any of it honestly. He's like " Do you really think your brother cares if he meets me?" He's says rude, jerky thinks like that. Amother huge, hurtful fight happened last night around 12:30. Yes, Christmas night of all nights! Technically day after but still its the principal. I couldn't believe it. We can't even get through the holiday without awful fighting. We ate playing a video game, and he told me to do something, and I guess I did it too late and his character died, and he said a jerk comment, like in disappointment type thing and I was like seriously, this is a video game. Who cares. If I make mistakes he's real critical seems. So stupid its like have fun.. and not be a jerk. I said you are being a jerk, and then I said something else to which he said shut the **** up and **** you. Soooooo disrespectful. I was obviously upset. So it just escalated from there to his mean shit about telling me to leave and so forth and so on. I was like this will never end will it. He said to me it won't stop. He says if I get him mad he cant control his angry and always turns it around on me and says it's me that makes him mad so if I don't stop he can't. He was like honestly do you think this will stop and I said maybe if you want to change, and he said honestly? I said no. It probably won't. He has never been this way abs seems to push that point, which only makes me feel worse. I'm at a loss. Completely depleted. Love at this point doesn't mean or feel like it means anything. To me people don't treat loved ones this way. NO MATTER what. I think he has a disorder and or mental disorder of some sort. He has to. His behavior is very abnormal. He yells and freaks out bad and I try to talk him down and I can't. Hopeless and sad. I have a job up here that I like, but will have to leave it for a different one to move back somewhere in Sacramento where I used to live. I don't even know where I'm going to live at all. Depressed because I actually wanted to maybe marry him someday. I have never felt this kind of love, when things are great of course. Always is fleeting up until the next fight.