In january 2014, I virtually met this guy – let’s call him A.
I noticed A had depression. He started to tell me -whenever he had a bad day- what upsets him and things like that. It was really ok, because I enjoyed helping him.
Shortly after A confessed to me we started a relationship. Yeah, I was really excited, it was my first boyfriend and I felt very special. We had the possibility go out pretty often even if we are from different cities.
But then we had some problems -I have/had depression too- and after 8 months, even if we still loved each other, A lied to me that he’s in love with another girl so that we would break up -probably for my sake. And that’s what we did.
A started a relationship with that girl -still being in love with me, but hiding it from me- and after a period of being single, I started a relationship with somebody else too -let’s call this one B.
B was a mutual friend between me and A, although they hated each other a little. B was always there for me when I had semi-quarrels with A. I considered B as my older brother. But I couldn’t handle the loneliness more than that and I told B I love him -still being in love in A, but hiding it from him.
So A is in a relationship with some girl and I am in a relationship with B.
I’m sure B really cared for me at some point, but now I think his feelings somehow disappeard and still wants to be with me hoping he could satisfy his sexual desires, which I won’t let him do. Anyway, I’m not sure if B is still in love with me or not and I’m too afraid to ask, he wouldn’t tell me if he had.
In this time I decided I don’t want to talk with A. Me and A didn’t talk a whole month-maybe more-, but then we started to talk again, occasionaly. After that silentness between us, A told me every fear he had and how he regrets that we broke up. He told me why he had taken that decision and how it was worth doing it because I have no more depression even if he is sad.
I know I love A. Maybe A still loves me. But no matter how much pain I feel, I don’t want to admit to him that I love him. I don’t want to be with him after he left me. Not to say he even is with someone else.
It had been 5 months since A and I broke up. I thought that I was really over it, but when I accidentally saw A, I felt weak at the knees – but we ignored each other, just as I told him we should do.
A left back to his city this night and I couldn’t tell him that at least I want a hug. Because at the same time I don’t want it. I’m gonna regret it.
Now I’m fed up with everything. I don’t know what I want anymore.