Hi, I’m 17. Thanks for reading. So this whole thing started back in December. I had gotten really sick a week before Christmas and was diagnosed with pneumonia. I barely ate anything for a week and a half, and when I came back to school and basketball, my coach had said it looked like I lost 20 pounds. That comment made me feel really good. So I started restricting a couple days. But, when Christmas came, I just ate whatever. Afterwards I felt so fat and ridiculous, so one morning I literally woke up with a new mindset that I wouldn’t eat much. I started restricting to less than 1,000 calories a day, and cut out certain foods that I used to love. I started weighing myself constantly, and my mood depends on whether the number on the scale goes up or not. My friends started getting suspicious of my eating habits, and talked some sense into me, so I stopped. I started eating healthy but sort of normal and I played basketball so the workout part was taken care of. But recently, these thoughts have consumed me, and I’m back to restricting. I’m constantly thinking about food, what I’m going to eat, when, how I will avoid this meal, how I make it look like I’m eating more. When I do eat, I have thoughts about purging, but I haven’t done it because I know that’s a hard habit to break. My friends don’t notice that I eat a little at lunch, because I just pack a full lunch and eat one thing from it all lunch period and talk a lot. Last time, I was too obvious, but this time, I know how to hide it. I feel like if I’m skinny, I’ll finally be happy. People will actually like me. I’ll finally love myself. I finally won’t have to cry myself to sleep over how disgusting and worthless I am. Being skinny equals happiness. I lost over 15 pounds so far, (and I didn’t gain any back at all when I ate normally) and I won’t attempt to maintain my weight until I reach my goal, which is about 40 pounds away. I can feel my clothes getting bigger, I can feel bones I never felt before, I can see my bones become more defined, but it’s not enough. I’m still fat as ever. I know I’m at a “normal” weight for my height but really, its not, I look gross. I am pretty sure I am too fat to have an eating disorder, but the way I feel towards food and myself kind of concern me sometimes. I want to be skinny, but I’m afraid I’m losing myself in the process.