It would be easier for you to understand if I told you the whole story but I’d be here for ages trying to put it into words, I’ll try and keep it short.
I’m 15 and think I have depression but I don’t think I do. Yes. Confusing already haha.
I can never sleep, and if I do it won’t be for long. I struggle so hard to concentrate and focus, I can’t set my mind to anything anymore. My feelings have been somewhat better in the past month, but not to the extent that I feel happy.
I don’t realise I give off the impression that I look sad, and tired but I do. People will tell me that I just stare at the wall for about 20 minutes without talking or anything, and I don’t even realise it. It takes me forever to actually do anything, I’m really slow, and I just feel like I have no life in me at all. I am very good at hiding it from my parents; I try to hide it from friends but I’m running out of excuses as to why I look so depressed all the time. In school I’m known as ‘the boy who doesn’t sleep’
Day to day I will feel sad but sometimes it gets a lot worse and I can’t fully contain myself I start getting flooded with emotions and just cry. I always think about suicide, but probably will never have the balls to do it, I always picture how it would happen, how I would do it, how people would react, what my suicide note would say; I always think about that stuff and I don’t even know why. I dream about it a lot as well, hanging myself, throwing myself off a building, the lot. I used to self harm all up my arms on both sides, until my p.e teacher banned long sleeves, so I had to do it on my legs which I didn’t like, I much preferred my arms, so I stopped which was a challenge, I had the odd breakdown and did it again but I’ve been clean for a while now, which I’m glad about.
There is no chance I am ever going to go to a counselor, I don’t like the idea of telling my parents or anything like that because I know fine well that it will upset them and make them look at me differently, I don’t want to be the person to make my parents unhappy or anything. I’ve tried telling my best friend who I think didn’t take it seriously at all which made me feel like a pathetic worthless attention seeker.
I don’t know if I’m over reacting or if its because I’m in my teens in this ‘awkward stage’ as they say, I’m really confused and lost..
