I don’t know how to tell my boyfriend that my mother pretended to be me while cybering

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TRIGGER WARNING FOR ABUSE/SEXUAL ABUSE

I have lived with my boyfriend for two years now. In my past, I was abused emotionally, mentally, physically by my mother who has a severe case of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I was, essentially, an extension of herself to her, not a separate person. She would dress me in slutty clothing and tell me to do sexual things with guys and take dirty pictures. I was 16-19 years old. She would pretend to be me on AIM and cyber older guys with a picture of my cleavage as the avatar. When I got a bit older, I gained weight and she was disgusted with me and could no longer use me because I wasn’t hot anymore.

I’m still not sure why I just went along with everything. I felt dirty, used, but I kept crawling back to her because she would shower me with attention and the love I craved from my parent. Now the dreams of my humiliation and helplessness keep haunting me. My boyfriend knows of some of the abuse that went on, but not the sexual kinds…

How do I tell him all this? I’m afraid he will look at me as a victim, think of her when we’re intimate, or be disgusted by me or look at me as dirty or a whore because I did all of that stuff “willingly”.

Category: Tags: asked March 25, 2015

2 Answers

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accepted
Your boyfriend should never look at you as a whore, if he does that's on him not you. You went through abuse at a young age and it's not in his position to judge you. As a boyfriend he should be supportive and willing to hear you out. It's natural to be scared of not being accepted by others, but if you really want to be close with your boyfriend then he needs to accept you. If he can't do that, he's not right for you. The first thing you should do is tell your boyfriend that there is more to the story and it's on your mind. Ask him if he's up for sitting down with you to hear you out and tell him you need his support. Then start from the beginning and work your way through this. Hit the points of your story that you want to hit, if you're uncomfortable you can ask him if what you're saying is okay. I firmly believe that as your boyfriend he should never make you feel that way, but if you need reassurance then you can ask for it while you're saying the story. His job is to listen to whatever you have to share and make sure you feel comfortable doing it. I doubt he would think of her when you two are intimate because he fell in love with you not your mother. But all of these concerns are ones you should express to him and just tell him to be honest with you. As long as you're both honest and understanding things should work out.
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Tell me, would you judge me (as you fear of being judged by your boyfriend) if I had been through all that you have suffered? I am hoping you wouldn't say you would have. :) To answer, a child trusts his parent because that's what is ingrained, natural and obvious thing to do. Your mother might have her needs (and let us try not judge her either) that she was getting fulfilled through your submissive nature that lead to physical obedience. You might have done some things that in other circumstances you would not have allowed a friend to do, but since you did not see a direct harm (considering your mom wanted you to do it all), you went along. Its ok. Its done. You are now wiser and have decided to move on.
As for your boyfriend, well he didn't have to choose you. Yet he did. So maybe, he sees in you something that's wonderful to him. That makes him your friend, right? Go, talk to him. Its ok. Tell him the truth. Tell him your mother used your submissive nature to feed her fantasies and at that time you did not see a harm in that. Now you do and have stopped being your mother's doormat. Tell him you considering him as you friend too and that you would want to be rather truthful than be a fake "perfect". It would show you how much he appreciates your soul. It can't be worse than now sweetie. A relation needs faith and honesty apart from love and acceptance. Give yourself a chance. And him too. Things aren't as bad as we fear them to be. Good luck.