So when I was 13/14 I had very low self esteem and went through this whole phase when I became obsessed with losing weight and I went down to 105lb in a few months. I knew it wasn’t healthy because I lost my period and everyone kept commenting on my skinniness, but I had a routine going which made me feel content. I was always tired and lightheaded and bruised easily yet I didn’t care. Until my mum threatened to take me to the doctors if I didn’t start eating. So I did, and a year later, I considered myself to be “recovered” because I was slim/normal and not skinny.
Now I feel horrible. I was forced to move to Leeds back in September, where I don’t know anybody and hate both the house and the area I live in. I knew I never wanted to move in the first place, but I tried to be positive but it didn’t last long. My motivation to do anything broke down completely. So I started comfort eating and put on more weight. I skipped school half the time purely because I felt too fat. Too fat because all of my clothes were getting tighter and I didn’t want to buy any more in a bigger size, and because I couldn’t concentrate on anything else except how big I felt and how I believed everyone was judging me for not being really thin. So eventually, this past March I dropped out because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get the grades I was capable of.
I haven’t weighed myself since November because I’m too scared that the number will be higher than what I’m expecting, and I think about my diet all day and basically confine myself to my bed and rarely leave the house because I – again – feel too fat. I also always cry whenever I take a shower because that’s when I’m faced with the disgusting reality of my body, and I cry whenever I feel like I’ve eaten more than 600 calories in a day, and when my mum constantly talks about exercise while I can’t do any because I have this knee/hip problem so I can’t run anymore (which I can’t even see a doctor about because I’m terrified at the idea of someone looking at my bare, big legs – even if they are a doctor).
I’ve never felt good enough to be any sort of person and right now I feel worse than ever. Everyone my age is having fun with their friends and having parties etc. and I can’t even set foot outside. I’m sick of myself and can’t focus on any of my hobbies because all I want is to be skinny again, so I’ts like I never even had any hobbies.
please can anybody give me any advice