I can’t deal with my head anymore

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So when I was 13/14 I had very low self esteem and went through this whole phase when I became obsessed with losing weight and I went down to 105lb in a few months. I knew it wasn’t healthy because I lost my period and everyone kept commenting on my skinniness, but I had a routine going which made me feel content. I was always tired and lightheaded and bruised easily yet I didn’t care. Until my mum threatened to take me to the doctors if I didn’t start eating. So I did, and a year later, I considered myself to be “recovered” because I was slim/normal and not skinny.

Now I feel horrible. I was forced to move to Leeds back in September, where I don’t know anybody and hate both the house and the area I live in. I knew I never wanted to move in the first place, but I tried to be positive but it didn’t last long. My motivation to do anything broke down completely. So I started comfort eating and put on more weight. I skipped school half the time purely because I felt too fat. Too fat because all of my clothes were getting tighter and I didn’t want to buy any more in a bigger size, and because I couldn’t concentrate on anything else except how big I felt and how I believed everyone was judging me for not being really thin. So eventually, this past March I dropped out because I knew I wouldn’t be able to get the grades I was capable of.
I haven’t weighed myself since November because I’m too scared that the number will be higher than what I’m expecting, and I think about my diet all day and basically confine myself to my bed and rarely leave the house because I – again – feel too fat. I also always cry whenever I take a shower because that’s when I’m faced with the disgusting reality of my body, and I cry whenever I feel like I’ve eaten more than 600 calories in a day, and when my mum constantly talks about exercise while I can’t do any because I have this knee/hip problem so I can’t run anymore (which I can’t even see a doctor about because I’m terrified at the idea of someone looking at my bare, big legs – even if they are a doctor).
I’ve never felt good enough to be any sort of person and right now I feel worse than ever. Everyone my age is having fun with their friends and having parties etc. and I can’t even set foot outside. I’m sick of myself and can’t focus on any of my hobbies because all I want is to be skinny again, so I’ts like I never even had any hobbies.
please can anybody give me any advice

Category: Tags: asked April 11, 2015

2 Answers

1
Hey, it's okay. You're having a difficult time. Please try not to be too hard on yourself. Self-hate is a very difficult thing to deal with. I'm proud of you for coming this far, for sticking with yourself for this long, and you should be, too.

The first thing I'd like you to do is find a doctor. Your health is what matters the most right now. And no, not a diet specialist. That may seem like what you need, but I promise you, it's the worst possible thing right now. Instead, I would seek out a psychiatrist so that you can deal with this hatred of yourself first. Mental health is extremely important, as it affects both your mind and your body (stress, gaining weight, etc.) and deal with that first. With them, I'd suggest following whatever new or important information, instructions, and advice they give you. They're the doctors, so they will know what's right for you.

Secondly, you deserve love, and you deserve to be loved. Never let anyone tell you that you don't deserve love just because you struggle with loving yourself. Everyone has problems, even if you can't see them. You are not a burden. So if you make friends--and you will, because you are a beautiful, brave person and people will (or already have) realized this--make sure they're with people who realize that you are important, even if you yourself have a hard time believing it, and trust them.

I also ask you to please work on gaining a high self-esteem. Believe it or not, having one is essential to a healthy lifestyle. People with high self-esteem are more likely to take care of themselves, to achieve their goals, and be generally mentally and physically satisfied with their lives. If you love yourself, then you will take better care of yourself. So do what you need to that will boost it, as long as it's in a healthy manner.

Treat yourself to nice things every once in a while, and don't worry about whether or not you "deserve it", because you do. Pick a small goal--say, getting out of bed--and reward yourself if you achieve that goal. Wear makeup or specific clothes if it makes you feel pretty. Write out your feelings. Work up the courage to look at yourself in the mirror for ten seconds without criticizing your appearance. No binge-ing or starving yourself, no self-harming, no drug or alcohol use, no unsafe sex and/or relationships, and if you ever have suicidal thoughts, call 911, no exceptions.

Don't ever stop reminding yourself that even if you don't get what you want done or if you backslide. One step backwards is nothing compared to the miles of progress you have already made. See, you already had the courage to come out to a bunch of strangers to ask for help. You listened to your mom, and even though you are in a bad situation now, please never forget to keep moving. As long as you keep going, things will get better. And yes, sometimes bad things will happen and it will get worse, but if you stop working towards happiness, then you will never achieve it, and you deserve happiness. It's worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for, even if you don't believe it right now.
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Hey its ok, but first you have to know that your being unreasonable, and you need to see a doctor and you need to go back to school or atleast if you cant right now home school yourself, you have to force yourself to see a doctor, because if you dont then you will only get worse and feel more helpless. Also have you ever considered walking, swimming, or atleast water aerobics? People cant really see in the water,you wont overheat and it wont be that hard on your knees. Also I think you should consider seeing a real shrink, someone who can get you out of the house and help you see yourself as the person you are: Amazing :D . Good luck and remember this is your life, you have the opportunity to change whatever you want, all it takes is baby steps, you can do it-and being skinny isn't the objective the objective is too be comfortable and happy with yourself