Have you considered going to see a professional psychologist/counselor/therapist? I highly recommend that you go to a psychologist in your area that is a good fit for you. Just like if you broke your leg, you would go to a doctor. The mental health profession has still made some major advancements and not only that but they have lots of ancient theoretical data from world cultures to base future research off of. Most of the people who choose this profession are very caring people who will go the extra mile for you and actually want to see you be a happier, healthier person. Mental health is something that even a suicidal thinking person should still value, and more so than the average person. Suicidal thoughts are something I have personal experience with. I've had them myself and I know how they can come and go and creep around. It sucks. It's a waste of time and energy. I'm 31 years old and have gone through some major issues. I would highly recommend finding a mental health professional that is a good fit for you. If you're short on cash most employers and some schools have some form of an Employee Assistance Program or EAP which will allow you to receive 3-6 FREE and confidential 45 minute sessions with a person who is licensed, knowledgeable, and has lots of experience dealing with mental health issues, such as suicidal thoughts for example. Like a car or anything in life, if it's having problems and we neglect to fix those issues they often can become worse or cause problems in other parts of our life.
Please go see a pro. All you have to do is walk into an office and ask and they will help you with the whole process and it's always confidential. No one has to know anything. Your employer doesn't have to know anything. I applaud you for coming to this website. Obviously you're taking initiative and seeking out profitable solutions to your challenges. Keep up the good word and don't be afraid to take the next step and see how glad you might be on another day in your future when you decided to do something important for yourself. No doubt, you are very intelligent. Mental or emotional challenges can be curses to the blessings that are intelligence and compassion. Don't let the world try to destroy you. Be smarter than the world and be a survivor. Adaptation is critical to any survival situation. We are born to adapt and survive, it's in our blood. Adapting to use all your resources to your best advantage might also include finding a good mental health pro. Keep us updated. Thanks for posting this question.