Ok, here’s the weird part:
I have an awesome life. I’m married to my soul mate (21 years so YES it can happen to 16 year olds!), we have 2 great/smart/funny/interesting teens who are both happy and unique, plenty of money – I have a college degree, don’t work and don’t have to – a huge house in a ritzy town. We have traveled to 17 countries.
I’m dying of boredom.
My bipolar issues make me very aggressive at times, VERY unfiltered and not appropriate for a job or career. I’ve volunteered many times but my mania kicks in and I wind up being superwoman, doing everything, irritating everyone and making them feel self conscious and angry. Actually everyone feels that way about me except for my husband and kids because they’ve all grown with me and know what to take personally and what it just me being me. I’ve learned great control with them so I impact my household the least of everyone.
I have shrunk my world so small that it can’t go any smaller. I’m not capable of friendships, mainly because of my personality but also because I don’t connect with people on a basic level. They want to complain about their partner and I don’t, they bitch about money and I don’t, they whine about their kids but mine are great. I’ve nothing to say.
I’ve moved to a new state recently – across the country when my mania made this idea possible and died when we were done – and it is awful how insulated these people are. They have religious groups (I’m atheist), Mommy and Me yoga classes, style classes – yes, they go out with personal shoppers together! – and the like. I joined a social group in my neighborhood and was told they don’t need “my type” of people. My type is NOT personal shopping, yoga with my baby and Jesus freak class, apparently.
I’ve heard all the suggestions. I don’t want more “go volunteer where they need you, join a group, get a job, get a therapist” and the like because I’ve done it all.
I find my depressive side taking over. I wake up, watch my husband work in his office (he works from home and has been a babysitter for me for AGES keeping me busy but he’s got new things to do and new patients to keep him very busy these days) and…sit.
I have nowhere to go. No family (1 grandfather I haven’t seen in years because he’s a jerk), no friends, no job, nobody needs me. Nobody wants me. My funeral would consist of 3 people. That’s a shitty legacy to leave. I’m NOTHING.
I’m so sorry that this is long…it’s my first post and I needed to get this all out.
Thanks
