My Nan died 1 year ago. Exactly a week after my birthday. I’ve always struggled with January and February as I loose a couple of family or friends every year, without fail. The Dreaded Winter or Curse Of Winter i call it. Last year in the January i lost my grandfather to cancer. Yet i was okay, because i was relieved he was no longer suffering, even though i never got to say goodbye or prepare myself fully. But 5 weeks later my Nan died. It was completely unexpected and horrified the whole family and everyone who knew her.
My Nan lived just a 10 minute drive away (my grandad lived the other side of the UK). I grew up to become extremely close to my Nan. She became my 2nd mother, my sister, auntie and friend all rolled into one.
I have tried speaking to someone, yet i feel empty. My family all feel a little different and will not talk to me about her death because they feel they have been able to let go and move on. But i’m struggling. I feel so numb. Everytime i try to move on, my heart breaks even more. I’m scared i’ll forget her voice, her scent, her laugh, her hugs…everything about her. I don’t feel ready too. Or I don’t too. I still sleep with her cardigan on my pillow, and i have photos in my bedroom. Yet i just want her. I still ask for her (accidentally) and that hurts.
I feel so trapped and lonely. But i’m becoming tired of crying myself to sleep, to act like i’m okay.
What should i do? Please help me.