Alright so this is going to be long i can feel it so i apologise in advanced but it is all so complicated. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and the impact it has on my life changes daily and i never know what i am going to end up with.
I honestly feel like hospital is the best place for me, however i dont know what to do because
1. i dont really feel, at this point in time that i need the hospital but when i do need it i dont do anything about getting myself safe.
2. I dont want my family to think any less of me but i also dont really want them to know because they hold a lot of guilt about the whole situation and they would think that they should have done a better job
3. I can get angry really quickly and when that happens i am scared of the outcomes because i have no control over it another reason why i would feel safer.
4. i dont eat and i need to but it scares me, i dont want to put on weight i need to lose it cause im fat but im going to kill myself if i continue not eating but i just cant bring myself to do it and mum is starting to notice and i really dont want her to bring it up with me cause she is uncontrollable with her emotions
5. hospitals are expensive and it is just my mum at home and she cant afford it especially considering we are trying to go away on holidays some time soon
and 6. i have a life, a job, what do i do? i cant just walk away and i dont want to have to say im in hospital either cause they will think that im crazy and i think i am as well.
Sorry it is so long but im so conflicted with what i should do. I feel out of control and everything is bubbling away under the surface and i dont know when i wont be able to handle it any longer
