(this will be a bit long, but please read:) I’ve been dealing with anxiety since I was around 5 years old (and depression since I was 10). This happened cause at that time I was the only child and my parents were (and still are) extremly strict. I was the best at dancing ballet, I was the best student when I got into school, and I even entered writing contests. But my parents still wanted more and more, and I started growing up. Now with 20 years old I don’t have any self esteem and my anxiety is worse than ever. My anxiety has gone so bad that it turned into panick attacks. I’ve been hospitalised two times already because my heartbeat was far from normal due to the attacks. I try to talk to my parents but they don’t get it. They say it’s an excuse to not do my best. They tell me “weak people don’t survive in this world, and if you keep making excuses you won’t succeed in life”. Idk what to do anymore. This is affecting my ability to socialise, to go to college, pretty much everything. Can someone please give me any ideas how to deal with this? I can’t go through a day without freaking out and feeling like I’m going to die.
p.s- if there is any grammar errors, I’m truly sorry, english is not my first language.
I don't know if I have the answer to what you are looking for but I think I can fairly understand what you must be going through. I had a bit of a same lifestyle as yours and still sort of do. Once I was so depressed that I tried suicide back when i was in eight grade. Obviously it failed but i learned an important lesson that day. "To never give up". I no longer have any fear of death and that helps me live my life the way I want it. I am seriously done trying to prove a point that I have come to realize that it is never gonna happen. For what I can tell you is that maybe you should stop trying to control everything and just let the things happen and find your path as go on.
The problem with people like us is that we try so hard to live a life as wanted by someone else and also as we want it. Which leaves us in the middle of it and we get the ills of both.
The choice becomes simple once you give a thought to it. Its after all your life and you will be the only one to see the end of it and no one else, so maybe you should try and live it on your terms. You are 20 years old and I guess you can make a few decisions of your own and you should.
If you think you have hit the rock bottom then you should be glad cause the only way to go now it up. And so I hope the best for your life.