Ok so ever since I was little I loved to dress like a boy, hell i even identified as one to anyone who would listen, but then I grew up and it started getting quite apparent that I was not a boy. It was cute to want to be a boy when I was little but as I grew older I started getting questioned, what I hated the most was being stopped in the girls restroom on why I was in there and then I’d have to explain I was a girl which I always hated doing. So I started conforming to what I thought I had to look like, hell I even prayed for big boobs so I would be a normal, attractive girl, which I got :/, and I was looked on as a very tomboyish girl, and as I got older still I started to like it in ways I liked the fact that people didn’t stop me in the restroom, I liked that people smiled at me when they saw me and hell I even liked some of the clothes (not a lot of the clothes, pretty “boyish” ones i guess, but I liked them) and I started seeing myself as a girl and I didn’t question it because I was never told that I could be anything else really. Then I found out what transgender was but as I was being told about it I was also told it was wrong so I pushed the thought away, cause I was happy as a girl, but it nagged on me cause honestly the thought of being a guy sounded amazing to me. Then a couple years ago or so I accepted that I liked chicks (I had always felt like I was attracted to them, but was also told that was wrong my entire life so I tried to push those feeling away too because honestly I still liked guys) and so I came out as bi but then learned what the term pansexual was and realized thats what I really was so I came out as that, but as I learned what pan was I also came along the term gender fluid and realized I very much fit into that description because I honestly don’t completely fit into my assigned at birth sex, I feel as tho some days I’m a girl, then others I’m a boy, and others I’m both, but most days I’m none so I also like the term androgyne, but I really don’t know, there’s also the issue with pronouns, I don’t know what to use, I kinda just want one pair, but I don’t want it to be girl pronouns because then I don’t know who’s using them to respect me or just to because they know that’s my birth assigned sex, I’m not a fan of the they ones just because I don’t feel I fit into them (don’t get me wrong if someones a they I will call them by they pronouns, I just don’t think I am). I’ve kinda told my friends about it but they seemed confused, accepting, but confused, I want to be able to tell them what I clearly am but I don’t even know, I love hiding my boobs and dressing in very what would be called “masculine” clothes but I also like dressing in “feminine” clothes, then sometimes I want a combination, I realize my clothes don’t make me a specific gender but it helps other people see me as the gender I want them to see me as and I like that. I’m so confused. There’s also the problem with my parents, they are very excepting people and said they didn’t care what my sexuality was but when I told them I was pan they had a hard time excepting it was even a thing, I don’t know how I’m going to explain to them what’s going on with me now, that is if I ever decide I want to tell them. I’m sorry this was so long and if someone actually read all through thank you so much, if you have any advice I would really love it!
