My family has always been enthusiastic about food (but they aren’t all overweight or anything,) so as a result I was always fed more and encouraged to eat. Thinking back, even when I was happily playing or involved in some activity without feeling hungry or thinking about food, I would be brought a snack of some sort while being sternly told “eat something”. So I ate it. So being taught to enjoy lots of foods, growing up I had a large appetite.
When I was 13 I was around 11 stone. At 14 my self-esteem plummeted and I began restricting food, reaching 105lb and losing my period completely. I later gained weight after my mum kept pressuring me to do so, and because I had been forced to move schools, which was extremely traumatizing as my whole life I had only ever been at one school, that being a private school, and I had to change to a much larger state school.
I should also mention that I have body dysmorphia and social anxiety. So when I moved schools I made no new friends purely due to my fear of everyone and low self-esteem. I suppose that’s why I tried to eat more, by filling a void which was usually filled by social interaction (even my friends from my old school began cutting me out when I’d become really skinny before I left, saying I was being really ‘quiet’ and ‘boring’).
I did eventually make one good friend there, as she was the only one who didn’t wait for me to talk to her. I felt happier, but while I thought my eating habits were healthy, I was still restricting through the week(though not to the same extent as before) and then bingeing on saturdays.
After GCSEs my mum jumped us with the announcement that she’d got a new job in a new city. As soon as she told me I was completely repelled to the idea of moving, and began eating a bit more in the summer holidays while we were moving house.
I tried to think positively about everything when I started sixth-form, and tried to be more outgoing and smiley etc. but it hardly lasted. This was last September and I still have no friends. To add to this, our new house is literally a minute walk away from about five supermarkets, making it easy for me to buy food after school. The last time I weighed myself I was 138lb, and I know this isn’t right, but I wish I was 105lb again. But I can’t even go running like I used to as my knee has been injured for a while.
I’ve spent several days off school solely due to feeling too fat and I feel horrible in all my clothes. The school has given me several warnings and has now sent me a letter saying my attendance is being monitored. The targets I’ve been given for my subjects are all A’s, and I want those grades too, but whenever I start writing all I can focus on is how my fingers used to be skinny, which they are now not.
I feel so depressed and I can’t get out of bed.