Emotionally Abused and Pregnant. Do I try and work it out?

Let me tell you a story, cdc2011.
There was once a woman who fell pregnant with a man twice, and the man would often beat the woman and abuse her; calling her names and physically hitting her. There were times when the woman felt she had deserved his wrath, and that it was all her fault.
The man would often go out drinking, and drive home smelling of booze. Sometimes he wouldn't even do that; he'd just call the woman and describe the area to her so she could call him a taxi home, and when she couldn't figure out where he was from his vague directions she would often get beaten severely.
She eventually had her second child, and soon the man would turn on the children; beating them ferociously, refusing to change them and altogether just neglecting their basic infant needs.
The woman was talking to her friend one day, and her friend informed her that she would be safer away from the man, but the woman was sure that things would get better so she hung on.
One day, the man come home smelling of booze and locked the woman in a closet for many days without food, water, or basic sanitation while she heard the children crying, unable to help them while he was out. She decided enough was enough, and left the man.
That was my mother. I was the second-born child. My mother said leaving him was the hardest thing that she had ever done, and with a history of violence she was constantly afraid that he would find her and beat her again, or worse.
My mother eventually met my stepdad and she moved out of her little 2-bed (for lack of a better word) shack. She moved into a flat, spent many wonderful years with him and eventually got married. She then moved into a house in the same town. Many years had passed and she eventually had a child with my stepdad. Things were great. We then moved into a bigger house with a bigger garden, nicer community, and more opportunities for her and her family.
We still live here, and it's wonderful. The only memories I have of my real dad are of him being abusive and stinking of alcohol.. I try not to think about him and I consider my stepdad to be my real dad; he's treated me like his own and never chose his own actual child over me or my sister. He loves all three of us equally, and that is a real dad.
If you think it's not gonna get any better before the baby's due then just leave or make him understand.. Don't let your children's first memories be like mine. You don't have to be afraid; we're all here for you no matter what.

im sorry that your going through that,but think about it, if hes like that and the baby is born, do you think that will be good for the baby? growing up in a situation like that will be even worse. talk to him about it, tell him exactly how you feel and put all the cards on the table; that your worried about leaving him and raising a child on your own, but if it was me i would take raising a kid on my own over raising a kid with a emotionally abusive boyfriend. you can offer to got to counseling with him to work out BOTH of your problems, and tell him that your only worried about the baby and that you want the baby to have a good home life. but if he cant try to be better, then i suggest leaving him. ask your mom for alittle help with taking care of the baby, see if she'll help you get your life situated if you get to the point where your going to be living alone with the baby. living with a emotional abuser is far worse for a child than just living with there mother.

I hate reading so many problems where the guy is the faulty one, but honestly he's being a gigantic asshole and you need out. I know you may love the guy, I know you want to stay to work it out for your kid, but you're just digging a bigger and bigger hole and it'll only get a whole lot worse once your child is born. Leave him. Get help. Find support and protection.

It's not just about not raising the baby alone. It's also the want to finally be happy with him. Sometimes I do feel like if I fix what is needed to be fixed he will finally be satisfied. I know that sounds crazy, but I know I'm not perfect. I just know I deserve more respect. Is it too far? Or can things change? There are some situations that I feel like I handle like most people would handle then he makes me feel like I'm crazy immature because of how I react to it. Like for example, tonight, he has band practice and asked me to go. As we were getting ready he looks at me and says "now, there are going to be guys getting drunk there. Can you handle that? Can you not seduce anyone and look for anyone's attention?"..I said "no, that's not going to happen." And decided to walk away. Because I walked away he flipped. Told me there is NO reason why I should walk away after that. That if I had a kind sweet heart and handled it like a good gf I would say "no babe, of course not. I'm there for you"..I didn't get mad I jus. Simply answered and went to go change. I was wearing a dress for work, and wanted to change into jeans to Get comfortable. So then he accused me of wearing a dress to work to seduce others and that it is sketchy and not right that I wouldn't keep it on for him all night...Can someone tell me how the hell to properly handle that? Was I being selfish? I don't get it.

Do not trust an abuser to raise a child well. Get your important documents together and leave when he is not home and can not stop you, go to a place where there are people who will not let you leave, family or friends.

Stay away from him and do not listen when he tries to coerce you back. Get an order of protection. It is only a matter of time before his abuse escalates to physical, and there is no rule that his abuse won't extend to the child after the child is born.

Never trust a known abuser. Get away.

Personally, I don't think you should try to make it work just so you're not raising the baby alone. It seems like it will only get worse for you once the baby gets here, and the atmosphere will be toxic for the two of you. There are pregnancy help shelters usually (not sure where you are) but I don't think you should give up your happiness just so you and the baby are not alone. Someone will love you and trust you and it doesn't sound like him. A relationship is built on TRUST and you don't have that, so you don't really have a relationship. I just got out of a relationship where he didn't trust me AT ALL. It was so frustrating, and you get really down on yourself, and it's not fair. Find help and security, and leave him. That's just my opinion, but best of luck!

You're in an abusive relationship? Here's an idea: leave it.

Your story resonates with me on such a high level. My story is nearly identical to yours. I too was in a very abusive relationship with the father of my child. We were together for 6 years, 6 years of abuse and me knowing that this isn't what I deserved, when we got pregnant. Perhaps I should say when "I" got pregnant because I soon as I broke the news there were allegations of me cheating, when I was the only one who was faithful all those years. Long story short, he soon acknowledged that he was the father. The entire pregnancy was filled with fighting and me going to bed alone because I too one night had a dream that left him thinking I was "crazy". Like your boyfriend, he hates my family and my family, very rightly so, do not think much of him either. But, with a baby on the way, my family and I all did whatever we could to make things right. I constantly was making excuses for his behavior, saying he was stressed from the impending responsibility. But, what about me? I was the one with a living being growing inside of me, a mother for the first time when he already had 2 children. Still, I tried everyday to make him happy and more comfortable. Like you, I was fighting to make things work. I wanted my child to have that picture perfect family she so deserved, all the while knowing I couldn't live my life like this. The day she was born should have been the final straw, but after 7 years at this point I clearly hadn't learned yet. He was there for the birth, but quickly left after to go to work, which he very easily could have taken off given the fact his daughter was just born (his boss even told me later that he told him he didn't even have to come in that day). So, the time comes when it's time for him to be off work. I am just over the moon excited that we will finally have the time to spend as a family, in the hospital together fawning over the little miracle we had created together. Instead he lies and says he has to work late, when I really find out he's just hanging out with his buddies drinking. Eventually, now past midnight, he shows up. Our daughter and I were laying there, me too excited to sleep so I'm just soaking up her presence in my arms. And what does he do? Starts a fight. Says it's none of my business what he's been doing and that it's my fault I was up there all alone for the past 7 hours (when I had told my mother she could go home because he was supposed to be there any minute at that time). It was a nightmare... screaming, profanity, nurses coming in to make sure my daughter and I were okay.. all while she's sleeping in my arms. Of course that wasn't it. I still wanted that perfect family. So, I gave it all I had for the next 4 months. And after 4 months of continued fighting, I had an epiphany. He was NEVER going to change and be the father she deserves, I gave him 6 years to be the boyfriend I deserve and nothing changed. And my biggest fear, bigger than the fear of being an only parent, is that my daughter grows up in a home where abuse was the norm. I couldn't have my child grow up in that type of environment. I didn't want her to grow up thinking that any of that is alright. She could have either grown up to be angry and mean like him or a pushover like myself. I couldn't have that. I finally said enough is enough. I could never walk away for myself, but I sure as hell could walk away for her. Best choice I have ever made. Being a single Mother has such a nasty stigma to it. You think people will see you as a failure, but truth is, you're winning. You are strong. You are responsible. And most importantly you are doing what is right for your child. I pray that you too can be strong. If things really seem like they will never change, then YOU be the change. As a Mother, we do what we have to do for our children. It's all about giving them the best life possible. Be strong. Be courageous. And never give up fighting for what you deserve. I'm currently going through all of the legal stuff that comes along with proper co-parenting and I will not lie, it is a struggle. It's hard being a single parent. But, it is the most rewarding job in the World. If you fear you'll be alone forever please know there is hope for that as well. When you find a true MAN, who LOVES you, he will love your child as well. There are good men out there. I myself am in the early stages of a new relationship and feel more and more hopeful everyday that everything will be alright. It is only natural for us to fear the unknown, but know that many women before us have gone through this and their children are better for it. As much as we may think that we can make someone change or that one day they'll realize how much we mean and they'll start treating us right, it's just not real life. You are in charge of your happiness. I too thought that once the baby came all would change and that he would see how great we are and life would be perfect. It's sad, but for guys like these, even there own child can't make them a better person. But, PLEASE know that there are men out there who are already good men. I'm always here. Please feel free to message me at anytime if you ever need anything. I wish you the absolute BEST! Congrats on your little miracle!

No you absolutely handled that situation as a completely normal human being. Even if you had lashed out, you have to understand that would be completely normal as well. You are pregnant. Hormones are way out of wack, but yet you were still very reasonable to a very unreasonable remark.

Thank you all for your responses. It does help me a lot to get the advice and opinions from others. When you are on the inside of a relationship like this it is very easy to get caught up on the "good" times, and just push all the constant bad times out of your mind. But that does not stop them from weighing down on you. Although he is not physically abusive and barely ever yells. It is the emotional abuse that really confuses me. It is easy to convince myself maybe it is something I can change that will help us out. But the fact that he can be that deceiving and okay will making me feel the way I do about myself does say a lot.Anthony- I very much appreciate the story you told me. It is inspiring, and your mother is a strong woman. I cannot imagine having to go through what she did, and I am glad that the family got out okay and you were able to live a better life without him. It does open my eyes to realize that instead of getting better when the baby comes it may actually get much much worse. Which I do not want for my child.Bee- Thank you so much for your comments on this question. You are right about me wanting to raise the baby as a "single mom" rather than raising the child in that environment. I am sorry you had to go through what you went through, and trust me I completely understand wanting to hang on tight to the little bit of hope you do have. I am happy you gained the courage to do what you did. No one deserves that neglect or treatment..especially your baby. Your courage inspires me as well. I pray you are doing well now.Thank you all!

You should get out right now while you still can. Did you know that fighting and emotional stress on a pregnant woman can actually cause her to lose her baby? And sometimes it can cause complications when giving labor? As well as a newly mother can die at birth?Think about all of the things that he says to you. And think hard about this... Ask yourself " Will i be okay with my boyfriend/husband neglecting my child? Treating my child the same way that he treats me?"Now i want you to close your eyes and picture your child is born already and some time has passed and now your child is 6 years old. How do you see him interacting with your child? Do you see him being a fatherly figure? Helping your child grow? OR do you see him saying things like :1. Your child brings home a noodle picture from school and is so happy to show their daddy they say " daddy! look what i made!! do you like it?" And your boyfriend/husband says " WTF is that.. Your a terrible artist... Don't ever try again... I mean i can do a way better job than that.. that is terrible!"2. Your child brings home their test and shows it to him and he responds saying " A B? only a B? Whats wrong with you.. You must of gotten your smarts from your mother.. "OR do you really think that he wont ridicule and make this child feel exactly like you.When you become a mother what you have to realize is the things that you start doing in your life is never for you anymore.. What only matters to a mother is her childs safety and happiness. Women are often selfish when they are younger but once they become a mother. Their child is the main priority in their lives. They could be sick with really bad cold but as a mother your job is to be there regardless if you catch the cold or not. It doesn't matter because their health is more important.I know that being a single mom is hard.. But you need to think of what is best for your child. Even if you do love him. As a couple both of your jobs is to love eachother and make eachother happy and smile and laugh. But if he isn't doing his job there are 1000000000 men in the world who would love to be a father to a child and take amazing care of them and have a beautiful girlfriend/wife. You don't deserve his abuse and his neglect. Good luck lovely!