Does anyone understand this pain?

1

My father used to beat my brother, my mom, and me. My mom has never been able to cope with that, and since I was a little girl, I had totake care of her and reassure her. When I was 14, my brother home for college and I ended up in charge of the situation.

I first decided that I had to take my mother out of this house. I almost succeeded. We had visited other houses, made plans to fix the financial issues a divorce would cause, etc. At the last moment, she decided to throw this away and to stay there and married. I devastated me. I was going to go to college too and there was no way I could let her live alone with this monster. So I decided that if she did not want to leave, I had to make the house safe for her. That’s been the hardest part of my life. I first managed to make the physical violence stop. But the psychologic violence kept on going and it’s been the hardest to stop. My brother came back in the game for this part but could not be home very often and had no idea of how hard it was for me (I could not tell him what was I going through, he had suffered from this all his life, I had no right to take his peace away). We finally succeeded but I was left an emotional wreck. I had sacrificed my whole teenage years to fixing all this. Besides, although the violence of all types stopped, when we had this “final confrontation” with my father, he denied having done anything wrong and my mom supported him and asked us to accept this.

What has always mattered to my mom is that a fake little world would be kept in one piece and that everyone would believe we’re a happy little family.

8 months later, when no violence had happened at all, I left and went on the other side of the world, then I went back home for my studies and now, I am abroad again and it’s been more than a year. My mom keeps sending me emails telling me she misses me and does not think that one email a week (i’m in a country where Internet connection isnot really common) is not enough. My brother emails me telling me I should try to get more in touch with her and my dad just wrote on the “family christmas card” that he misses me.

I know I should forgive him (forgive them) but I can’t and I don’t want to because justice has not been made. They never even admitted that they had done something wrong. I know they are conscious of having done something wrong. I know my mom regrets everything she said and did to me (because she’s far from being an angel) and since he stopped his shit, my father probably knows too that he went way beyond the “acceptable” line. But they never admitted it and they never apologized for all this. Worse: when I told my mom that what I wanted was for him to apologize, she laughed and said a parent would never apologize to a child.

The truth is, I am tired of them. I know how horribly selfish it is, but I can’t do it anymore. They have kept me from having a peaceful childhood, they have kept me from having careless teenage years, they have kept me from having parents I could rely on when I have doubts and fears, they have kepts me from having justice and now they keep me from living my life on the other side of the world because I feel bad to make them go through all this worrying.

I have taken care of her my whole life. I have protected her, made her feel better, reassured her, understood her, I have sacrificed all these years for her and now, she can live safely in this stupid house she loves so much and I should give up on my dreams (again) because I should take care of her feelings again! As for him, he has made me spend the most horrible moments of my life. He’s terrified me, insulted me, hit me, and threatened me. And now, I should take some of my time to find a decent Internet connection or a phone so he can see me and hear me because he MISSES ME! I just can’t stand it.

I know how horribly selfish this is. If it was my husband who’d had beaten me, everyone would agree to say I should get the hell away from him but they’re my parents so people say I should forgive them although they never gave me one reason to do so. I need some peace and I need a life away from them and I’m tired of being judged because of how I react to what they did to me.

Is there anyone out there who understands this?

Category: Tags: asked January 30, 2015

5 Answers

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I understand.... To a point. My parents have never beat me physically, but they have forever damaged me mentally. You should not have to forgive them. Screw the 'you have to love your parents'. If you don't love them, you don't love them. If you don't want to forgive them, don't forgive them. It is entirely up to you. Teenage years are some of the hardest and with crappy parents they are even worse. Some of the things that my parents have done are things that I will never forgive. That is a given. But everyone does deserve a second chance. My advice to you is to not forgive them, ever, but give them a shot to let you feel love from them for the first time in a long time.
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I haven't been in the exact same situation but I understand. I really really understand. Long story short, my parents and half sister weren't on good terms, she wanted to run away to live with some online boyfriend, my dad beat her up (nearly killed her when he strangled her) after she didnt stop talking to the guy. It's always stayed with me and I'll never get back the time I lost feeling like shit. My family was being torn apart and everyone was awkward. I was tired of seeing my father make feeble attempts at "bringing back" my sister and making her change. I had a fight with my mom once after a year or two when the happened and she said "why do you hate him so much, is it because of what happened between him and your sis? It has nothing to do with you" the thing is, they don't know how much it affected me. It destroyed me and I've never been the same again. You shouldn't feel judged and it isn't selfish. This is your life and they're your parents so no one can tell you how you can, can't and should or shouldn't feel! It's your call! You want closure (an apology) and no one is even giving you this... and for what?! Their damn fucking pride as parents.
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First off, you sound like a very brave and courageous girl. You have been through so much and it devastates me when people have to go through this. Sadly, I know what it's like to have a father whose emotionally and physically abusive. I dealt with him for most of my life and my mother was the one who acted like she didn't hear or see anything to do anything because she was afraid for her own life as well. There was multiple times where it got pretty serious in the police's eyes. I've never fully forgiven my dad for all of the abuse over the years, and I never will. What ever happen, just know that none of this was ever your fault. Some people just don't know how mentally sick they are and what kind of monsters they are either. They are the ones with the problem and we are the ones who are suffering and they just don't care. There is nothing wrong with you sweetie, I totally understand where you are coming from. If you wish to talk about this more with me, my inbox is open anytime if you want to talk. I am so sorry you had to go through with this. Nobody should and I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I wish I could just hug you and tell you everything will be okay.
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Guys, I just meant to say: thank you for sharing your stories in order to make me feel normal and better. It worked.Bottom line for me would be that what I need is to keep on going with my life the way I want to and email my mom once a week, give her a call sometimes, because she gave me birth and if she's lost the right to have any kind of control over my life after putting me in a situation no child should ever have to know, she will never lose the right to have a daughter and to know about her. I won't be the one taking this right away from her.I think I will try to let that part of my story behind me, and as I already do, I won't tell to anyone around me. It can be hard sometimes because people always ask about your family and usually want to meet them after some time, but living abroad will help with that. If I'm lucky enough, I can find one person, maybe the man who will share my life, with a shoulder to rest on for a moment when things are getting too hard and when I need some peace.Life should be fine that way.
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You're not selfish. You need to do what's right for you.