My father used to beat my brother, my mom, and me. My mom has never been able to cope with that, and since I was a little girl, I had totake care of her and reassure her. When I was 14, my brother home for college and I ended up in charge of the situation.
I first decided that I had to take my mother out of this house. I almost succeeded. We had visited other houses, made plans to fix the financial issues a divorce would cause, etc. At the last moment, she decided to throw this away and to stay there and married. I devastated me. I was going to go to college too and there was no way I could let her live alone with this monster. So I decided that if she did not want to leave, I had to make the house safe for her. That’s been the hardest part of my life. I first managed to make the physical violence stop. But the psychologic violence kept on going and it’s been the hardest to stop. My brother came back in the game for this part but could not be home very often and had no idea of how hard it was for me (I could not tell him what was I going through, he had suffered from this all his life, I had no right to take his peace away). We finally succeeded but I was left an emotional wreck. I had sacrificed my whole teenage years to fixing all this. Besides, although the violence of all types stopped, when we had this “final confrontation” with my father, he denied having done anything wrong and my mom supported him and asked us to accept this.
What has always mattered to my mom is that a fake little world would be kept in one piece and that everyone would believe we’re a happy little family.
8 months later, when no violence had happened at all, I left and went on the other side of the world, then I went back home for my studies and now, I am abroad again and it’s been more than a year. My mom keeps sending me emails telling me she misses me and does not think that one email a week (i’m in a country where Internet connection isnot really common) is not enough. My brother emails me telling me I should try to get more in touch with her and my dad just wrote on the “family christmas card” that he misses me.
I know I should forgive him (forgive them) but I can’t and I don’t want to because justice has not been made. They never even admitted that they had done something wrong. I know they are conscious of having done something wrong. I know my mom regrets everything she said and did to me (because she’s far from being an angel) and since he stopped his shit, my father probably knows too that he went way beyond the “acceptable” line. But they never admitted it and they never apologized for all this. Worse: when I told my mom that what I wanted was for him to apologize, she laughed and said a parent would never apologize to a child.
The truth is, I am tired of them. I know how horribly selfish it is, but I can’t do it anymore. They have kept me from having a peaceful childhood, they have kept me from having careless teenage years, they have kept me from having parents I could rely on when I have doubts and fears, they have kepts me from having justice and now they keep me from living my life on the other side of the world because I feel bad to make them go through all this worrying.
I have taken care of her my whole life. I have protected her, made her feel better, reassured her, understood her, I have sacrificed all these years for her and now, she can live safely in this stupid house she loves so much and I should give up on my dreams (again) because I should take care of her feelings again! As for him, he has made me spend the most horrible moments of my life. He’s terrified me, insulted me, hit me, and threatened me. And now, I should take some of my time to find a decent Internet connection or a phone so he can see me and hear me because he MISSES ME! I just can’t stand it.
I know how horribly selfish this is. If it was my husband who’d had beaten me, everyone would agree to say I should get the hell away from him but they’re my parents so people say I should forgive them although they never gave me one reason to do so. I need some peace and I need a life away from them and I’m tired of being judged because of how I react to what they did to me.
Is there anyone out there who understands this?