My mum yells a me a lot. Like almost everyday? It doesn’t effect me to bad but I just don’t understand why she does it. I’m the smartest in my house and get straight A’s in my classes (I got 100% in my last history exam, and the teacher framed it!! Yes!!), I’m not dependant on drugs like my sibiling, I show her the most respect and help her look after my 1yr old brother. She always targets my self esteem and calls me worthless and lazy because I won’t get a job (I’m 16). I don’t have a job because I’m focusing on my studies and (year 12) electives. She tells me I’m faking my depression and have nothing to be sad about and to get over it, of course this hurts a lot because she doesn’t know I’ve tried to kill myself multiple times. The worst part it my little sister. She’s always on my back despite being 11 and being kicked out of 4 different schools, she’ll call me names and of course I respond negatively. But she’s smart about it, she’ll hit me and call me a cunt when my mums not around and goes crying to her when I do the same. As a result, my mum calls me a bully and as soon as she finishes bursting into my rooms, telling me I’m an idiot and threatening to beat me, my sister will laugh and say stuff like ‘that’s what I thought’. I’ve tried to tell my mum and sibilings that this is what she does and she’s smart about her abuse but they see me as the bad guy. Even last night I was trying to watch a movie and she bursts in doesn’t close the door, starts singing, tapping on the walls and calling me names. This was after my mum yelled at me for not respect her and being a liability to this family. I respond by turning up the volume, to which my sister bursts through the door, tells me I’m being to loud, I look pathetic and I’m abusing her. My first thought is what the fuck I didn’t do anything, then she tells me she’s been standing outside my door listening. My next thought it what the fuck are you doing standing outside my door? Mum gets dragged into it, yells at me again (these last around 20 minutes) then tells my little sister to grab her stuff and leave to her room where she got special treatment. My mum and family refuse to listen to me, even though they don’t like my little sister either? She’s a really bad kid, she’s 11 and can’t even spell her own name, spits on people and hits the teachers. My mum also never hugs me or anything, but when she does I recoil and she gets annoyed and the cycle continues. I can’t even let her touch my skin without it crawling. We never address the arguments either, she’s ‘always right’ and whenever I bring it up again she’ll tell me to stop holding a grudge and get over it. She also goes for me for ‘asking for to much’. Like last night she told me to never ask her for anything ever again and I sort of ‘??? ??’. I’ve only ever asked her for school essentials, bus money and a Mac for school. She doesn’t even get me anything for my birthday (last year I made my self and cake, came home from school and everyone was eating it). My clothes don’t fit me anyone, all my clothes are baggy to the point of looking like a hobo, I tell her this and she’ll tell me we’ll buy some clothes during the weekend but nothing ever happens. When I nag her about it, she’ll snap and yell at me for being ungrateful. My own school uniform doesn’t fit so I wear my older sisters, who’s left school. She openly admits to not caring about my education (she didn’t even read my report, which was amazing) but gets a annoyed when I tell her I’m to exhausted to to to school (I have to catch a 7:10 bus so i get up as 6 and usually go to bet at 12-2am because of insomnia and whatnot). She buys my sister everything, she got a $50 jumper the other day for a party, but when I asked if I could buy something as well, she told me not to worry about it (where going to the same party). There’s a bunch if other stuff I won’t be getting into but this is the most recent. I can’t take it anymore, I feel like my mum hates me and my dad ignores me half the time and calls me an idiot or an asshole. The worst thing is, my friends all sing her praise. Whenever I tell them it’s hell at home they respond ‘but your mums so nice!’ Or go one abut how their parents a bitch because they won’t by drinks. She even tried burst in on me having a shower because apparently she wasn’t done yet, but I forced the door close and she started bagging on it (she eventually left though..). Is it my fault? I’m starting to feel this way. She tells me I disrupt the houses energy and that I’m always negative (which is a lie, I’m usually a really positive person and inclusive to those around me) and do nothing but ‘sit on my arse on my iPad’. I tell her I’m doing work. She doesn’t believe me. I’m starting to blame it on my depression like she does, tells me I get it from my (dead) dad who killed himself a few years back. She even puts me under scrutiny for having schizophrenia. I’m just tired of this constant negativity when I come home. Ive started catching a later bus so I don’t have to. I’m tired of trying to prove them wrong, that I am worth something, that I am smart, that I can be a good person. I don’t want to live down to their expectations of me. I feel uncomfortable talking to the school counsellor because my brother talks with him frequently and my sister did also before dropping out. I don’t want him to feel like out family’s broken. I don’t want to make our family look bad, to middle our image. I don’t want to reach out to anyone because everyone looks up to me for being emotionally strong, confident, smart and outgoing. I try not to listen to my mothers yelling, but she knows exactly what to say to piss me off and get the tears flowing. And when I do she calls me weak. Why do my parents hate me? She even makes me feel guilty for crying or staying I my room because I don’t want to face the world. Why don’t people notice? I frequently come to school with marks and bruises from where I’ve bitten into myself. I can’t cut because it’s to noticeable. I’m surprised nobody’s seen through the facade I put I everyday. I feel like a fake, that nobody should look up to a liar like me. I know it’s not my fault, that I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but reminding myself that just makes me feel worse. As I type this out, my fingers are shaking and I’m trying to stop the tears. I got drunk once and confessed to my friends, they either forgot or don’t care because it was never brought up again. They even make me feel guilty for not taking care of my sister (who abuses drinks and cuts). Don’t they know I care? I’ve tried helping her and we’re incredibly close but there’s only so much I can do. My mum even kicked me out for a night, when it was raining. She wouldn’t even let me take my jacket or shoes. Shamed me when I knocked one the door a few hours later shivering. I can’t talk to be police because I don’t want mum to lose her kids, her family, the communities respect, the schools respect.. I feel trapped. Like someone put me in a cramped, damp box and told me told me to breath. The words in my head can’t make it to my throat. It’s chocked. I’m the one tying my noose. Can I make it better? Can I make my parents love me again? I’m sorry if this is long rant or if there are mistakes. I can’t read my own words without crying haha.
