Im a loud, funny, wild person, but bullying has made me shy and anxious around people. I’m only my true self with my close friends. In fourth grade I had the two bestest friends I’ve ever had, both girls. The next year I got split up with them since the school shut down. They gave me their number but I stupidly lost it the day they did. The next year I got really shy I didn’t know anyone, I hardly talked. I meet this guy who was awesome, we were best friends.. then he moved. I was devastated my friends were being taken away left and right. 6th grade I made two more friends, they weren’t as great as the ones from 4th and 5th.
7th grade, middle school I saw them again I was over joyed I was to shy to talk to them. I didn’t know what to do. I’m socially awkward, I don’t know how to talk to people my face turns red when I do. I normally stay quiet. They didn’t have any classes together. We basically ignored each other in the hallways, at assemblies, at lunch, PE. I guess it’s my fault I heeded them no attention, I had no idea what to do. I desperately wanted to talk to them, but i didn’t. They has there friends, I had mine.
I don’t wanna give their names out so I’ll use fake ones, Maria and Madelyn. So in spanish class one of Maria’s friends mentioned like Maria was bi. It got me wondering am I bi as well? I’ve always liked checking out girls. At home I took a bunch of “Am I lesbian” every one of them said yes. So.. yea. I’m lesbian. I like girls. I soon had a crush, Madelyn. I loved everything about her, her beautiful flaming red hair, the way it fell on her shoulders, her freckles, every bit of her. I would purposely sign up to go to my math teacher at study hall just to be near her. I would stare at her when she wasn’t look and look down at my paper when she glanced at me.I found her on tumblr and found that she had the same interests as me SPN, Hetailia, AoT, geeky things that we were obsessed with. Being stalkerish I found out her number on it and STUPIDLY texted it. For months she didn’t answer I gave up I texted her this
I give up
i cant do this
you obviously have no idea who i am
and i dont intend you to know
im giving up
making contact with you
STUPID SO STUPID then she texted me back
Im sorry I just haven’t been on my computer
who is this?
I see you like Spn?
I FELT SO EMBARRASSED IM SO STUPID IT MADE ME SOUND STUPID. I was banging my head against the table.Then, I found out several of my friends knew her and were friends when one of them added her to a group chat. I didn’t say much in fear of embarrassing myself. On skype they added her to calls I left or didn’t say much. 8th grade (this year) I found out Madelyn was in my study hall class, then SHE FRICKING SAT NEXT TO ME AND TALKED. I got all red and starting sweating. She asked my a bunch of questions, I gave short answers. She tried to start a conversation I quickly ended them. I cried in bed for having zero self confidence I could do anything, I couldnt talk to her, or even become friends again with her and Maria.
My friend Ruthie tries to get me to talk to her, she doesn’t know I’m gay or that I like Madelyn. She wants me to be friends with Madelyn again. I’m too scared, I’mm to embarrasses, I don’t know what to do. I checked out her tumblr again recently I found out she was lesbian too. I have no idea what to do.
I extremely doubt I’ll get any suggestions that’d I’d be brave enough do to. But it’s good to let this all out of me.