Best Friend’s Girlfriend Is Jealous

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It’s a lot more complicated than the title suggests.

My friend and I:
I’ve only known him for about a year, and by society’s definition, we aren’t exactly “close”. But we think really alike, and have that kind of deep understanding that only comes with a strong friendship. He’s not really one to make close friends in the first place.

How his girlfriend sees me:
She hates me. To her, I’m less than a human being. She curses my name. Yet somehow, she thinks I’m better than her, such that she believes my friend would leave her for me. She’s insecure, but it’s strange, because almost everyone at school tells her she’s beautiful, talented, helpful, and nice, and even now I still agree with them.

The situation:
Now he’s not allowed to contact me at all, otherwise his girlfriend gets upset and threatens to cut herself (or worse). If anyone mentions my name to her she gets really upset.

The attempted solutions:

-Getting help: I understand that we should try to get her professional help. But unless I can find a really indirect way of getting such help to her, I can’t do anything without making things worse. I am currently trying to make my friend convince her to get therapy, but he believes she won’t do it.

-Talking to her: I have tried talking to her, to try and explain that I’m not a threat and she has nothing to worry about. But she always twists my words and takes it in the worst way possible. At this point, talking to her is not a helpful option.
-Waiting to let things cool down: I did. Things didn’t get better because the very sound of my name starts the whole issue up again.

Some other pertinent information:
-She did cut herself before. She’s not making empty threats.
-My friend still does talk to me through the internet, because he doesn’t like this any more than I do and sometimes he’s so upset he has to vent to me.
-In understand why she’s doing what she does. I just don’t know how to make things better.
-She has never said anything horrible to me to my face. I only know she hates me because my friend shows me. He has even been forced to say horrible, mean things to me.

I guess if there’s anything else you need to know about the situation you should message me.

Is there any way for me to get my friend back? Is there any way I can help his girlfriend? Is there any way to make things better for all three of us?

Category: Tags: asked October 13, 2013

1 Answer

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You know, this problem regards your friend. She is his girlfriend. He is the one who has to decide what to do. So far he seems to have decided to talk to you secretly, AND to let her dictate who he can and cannot speak to, to go on being manipulated through threats of self-harming. The only thing you have to worry about is if you like to go on secretly talking like you do now. If you are ok with it, keep doing this, you will lend him a friendly ear but be sure to keep always in mind that he is choosing to endure this every day, so try to listen more and feel the need to fix less; if it bothers you, you can tell him you will talk to him when he will have handled this. I know you want to help but often you can plan all the strategies you want but in the end he has to act, and he'll need time and more trouble to be moved to do something.