As stated above this is more of a rant than a question, however, that being said anyone that would like to give advise on my rant is more than welcome to.
Where to start? Well, let’s say I’ve been getting crud feelings lately. See in high school I used to, I don’t really want to say cut, because it was, scratched? yeah, let’s go with that, I scratched myself until I bled. Long story short I got help for it and a few other things and got better. However, as anyone who has had to deal with self harm knows, it’s a bit of an addiction and occasionally the cravings come back. My craving has just recently come back and harder than ever. I haven’t done any form of self harm, yet. And I really really really don’t want to but sometimes it’s just hard. I don’t have too many friends that really understand it, and honestly I’ve only told a few. One is in Korea, the other is stressed enough as it is, and the other…well I bug him way too much. So I don’t really know where to turn right now. I want to go talk to a therapist, but they aren’t exactly cheap and me being on my own insurance now makes it kind of hard.
I know why I want to…it’s because of stress. I have a boyfriend that is always busy, and even though we are going on a year of being together has yet to meet any friends or family. We’ve already talked about it and he has been making efforts to change. As have I because I know I pester him a lot about it (mainly because he insists he’s not nervous…and yet…), so I’m doing my best not to pester him. He’s a part of the stress, but not a huge part.
I have a job that thinks it’s paying us an awesome wage, but it puts me just above the poverty line. It expects us to follow the rules, which I do and have no problem with, but listening to the others whine and grip about it slowly is getting to me. I know I’m probably never going to get away from that because I haven’t been able to actually get back into school because I need to pay for it now and I can’t live and go to school on a part time job. Lots of people tell me to do it with a full time job…I just don’t think I could do it, I tried to do two jobs…and that was very stressful on me to the point that I started to have panic attacks again. The kind that looks like the exorcist has taken over my body.
My dad…I think he kind of just was a “last straw” kind of stress. He comes up to me and tells me that I need to “go easier on my sister” What the hell! I mean, all I said to her today was about her being a grudge monkey (which she has been lately) and it just spiraled into me thinking about all the times he has put her before me. Has encouraged her, but not me. I have talent too and he doesn’t see it. Or if he does, he criticizes it. I try really really hard to remember times that he has just straight up praised me and nothing else, but I can’t. It’s so hard. I’ve tried to tell him, but he just tells me “That’s just how you think it is, it really isn’t that way.” Isn’t that a problem in itself? That your daughter sees you that way? That you are nothing but a criticizer that doesn’t care about her work? Doesn’t care about how she feels or thinks? It hurts like hell.
I’m trying so hard right now…and I know I need help, but I just don’t know where to turn right now. So here I am in my closet and typing away on my laptop ranting to a bunch of strangers….
Anyway, thanks for reading. It does make me feel a little bit better to know that people are reading what I say. And that there are others out there. It’s one thing to know that it is true, but a whole other thing to actually see it take place.
