As my last question states, I’m struggling with binge eating. But I’ve also noticed that this seems to correlate with my anxiety, particularly anxiety around my mum. (During the holidays and weekends) she spends a lot of time moving – what feels like unpredictably – around the house, which is when I’ll stay barricaded in my bedroom. Because when I’m around her I’ll worry that she’ll say something that makes me feel bad about myself e.g. talking about exercise or diets (I used to be anorexic and I didn’t recover properly, all I did was eventually put some weight back on. Then I had problems with my hip and knees which makes it painful for me to exercise and the doctors can’t seem to diagnose it, so I feel incredibly guilty when other people talk about exercising.) Then when she leaves the house, whether I’m hungry or not I’ll go and raid the kitchen. Then when both my mum AND my sister are out of the house, I’ll go to the supermarket. Whenever this happens it’s as if “if I don’t go now, I’ll miss my chance!” or “If I don’t go to the supermarket, I’ll be missing out”. Does this attitude toward my mum suggest anything? Do these thoughts suggest a deeper problem? Because I still haven’t identified the underlying problem yet and I know that that’s the key thing for recovery. I don’t like the idea of seeing someone about it because I’ve spoken to a councilor before and all she said was “well you’re not underweight so there’s no problem” and then another one I went to was really patronizing.
(What’s making this even harder to recover from is the fact that there are about 4 supermarkets each being a 2 minute walk from my house.)
Have you spoken to your mum and sister about how your feeling. It must be very hard on you having to barricade yourself into your room incase they say something which makes you feel bad. What would it be like to talk to them about it? How would they react? I don't know your family but I do know your feelings do matter and you shouldn't have to barricade yourself into your room and always be aware of where your mother is. I think that would cause anyone to feel anxious A happy healthy home is where communication is open and without fear, where everyone respects each other. Often communication can become strained when feelings such as fear, anger, indifference, confusion etc. Get in the way. Do you think, would it help if they understood better about how your feeling and how their comments are making you feel bad? as for the comment your councillor made, that is completely wrong, a person's weight is a symptom of an eating disorder but is never the core of the problem it's more complicated than that which any professional who has received training in relation to eating disorders would know. It sounds like your really working hard on trying to feel better and exploring the reasons why you are feeling bad, the true answer is inside you because only you are the true expert on what has gone in your life and how it has effected you but reaching out can help to get to that core. Often for me it was people wrong comments which struck something inside me, which helped me see the truth so please don't allow others comments stop you from reaching out because you do deserve support.