Am I being unreasonable?


Hi guys,

I’m in a difficult situation where I can not think properly anymore and I need an outsider’s opinion to confirm that I’m going crazy or not:

I’ve met my fiance 4 years ago and 3 years ago he moved from New Zealand to Holland to be with me. It wasn’t so easy for him to adjust to the new country, the language, mentality and the fact that he didn’t have any friends or family here… didn’t help either. Things were going well for us though… deep in love, got even proposed and said yes (never thought I would say yes, but I did! )

But 8 months ago, I found out that he was having something with a colleague of him. I confronted him and he admitted that there was something between them. He said that it was because he wasn’t adjusting well and she, being from another country and going through the same things as him, understood him and with time they got closer and closer.. He said that she doesn’t mean a thing to him, that it wasn’t physicall but rather more emotional (dunno why but for me that’s kind of worse!)

I forgave him and gave him a second chance because I love him and I do have understanding that as a human you can make mistake and learn from them… that’s life no?

Now when something comes up about his ex-work or ex-colleague I feel very bad because the wound is healing (with time) but it’s still open (dunno if I’m making myself clear here).

He got yesterday an invitation to go to his ex-work to have a drink because somebody is leaving the company and knowing that she’ll be there, I asked him nicely not to go and he went crazy on me… that i forgave him and that I should trust him and blablabla. But that’s not the point I do trust him but I don’t want him to go because it hurts me to know that he might give her time and attention… Am I being so unreasonable/ crazy/… to ask him this?

Please somebody answer me, because Im doubting myself…

Thank you so so so so much for your time

Category: asked April 9, 2013

2 Answers

I don't think you're being unreasonable AT ALL. He should be sensitive about your feelings, especially since he was the one who was out of line! A similar situation happened with my husband and I, before we were married. He knew how much it hurt me that he developed feelings for someone else. When we were invited to a high school reunion breakfast, we agreed not to go because we knew she would be there. It's been two years since it happened and it still hurts me to think about it, and he still understands my feelings.
If you think about it, it is reasonable that he developed feelings for another, and you aren't crazy. It just shows how much and deep your love for him is. I know the feeling that you are going through but instead of asking him not to go, you should have been brave enough to say he can go even if there are still uncertainties in your heart. There are worries that accompanied it and jealousy will struck but the thing is, it is not him you should give a chance to, but yourself.He is your fiance and You are his fiancee, you aren't married yet, and you have this kind of problem. I think you should really think about it before you even really get married.He understands you and you love him so it is not really trusting but giving chances because if you think about it, whether he won't go or he goes to that party he was invited to, they will still cross paths with one another at some point. So, think about it.