Ever since I can remember, I have daydreamed about getting seriously hurt and someone coming to save me from death,usually by some madeup friends or family (who are all male). I usually keep replaying over and over how they react, seeing them in pain because I am in pain. When I was younger, maybe 10, it was based as being a soldier being shot in combat and my friends coming to save me (i knaow im sick and twisted … no disrespect to the corps. They sacrafice everything for us and they are brave, brave souls. I just didnt know any other way of daydreaming …) … but then it sort of morphed into sort of being a fantasy hero getting wounded and such. I dont know why I find joy in this and I feel im daydreaming more and more about it. The thing is, I dont want to stop. If im feeling sad or stressed it helps me to release but it also captures me in a trap.
Again ive had this since I can remember, and the only thing I can link this to is being run over by a lawnmower when I was 4, and being taken to the hospital … I dont know if I had this before then, though. The daydreaming really kicked off when one of my family died. As soon as my father died the daydreaming spiked and I also stopped eating, and started having health problems. Ive stopped for a while but now it is coming back in full force … I cant really talk to my mum and her boyfriend because they dont understand at all. Ive already tried going to them.
I have never tried harming myself fatally and when I get hurt in real life and people give me attention, I tell them to stop because I dont much enjoy that much attention, and I dont want to seem weak and be have lower status in the pack, basically. Id really appreciate it if someone could enlighten this dark path that im walking … im scared that ill die with my life wasted in daydreaming.
Thank you for helping me with this.